forgiveness is more than saying sorry

After some time, after giving and yielding, it’s natural for anybody to get tired. I thought it won’t happen to me. Besides I’m doing all these for special people whom I really love and totally important to me. Yet again it seemed I too would sink in with all the rest and most probably rest at the bottom of the pit to the point of no return. And honestly, I’m growing so tired of these. Same old episodes and scenarios that ends the same way. It’s such a drag. An emotional luggage that keeps on piling up; there’s no more room for another batch.

I am surrounded by people who are incapable of expressing themselves. And that always happens when I wanted them so much to show me how they feel. I am around people who seemed to have sky-high pride that they couldn’t even deliver a decent apology. A simple, heart-felt, short but meaningful expression of sorry. It won’t help nor bring back what was lost or taken thru any sincere apology. But it could definitely help heal and calm a wounded and seemingly irreparable damage to emotion. Sometimes I wonder which is more difficult – be the one who owes someone an apology or be the one who has to forgive. Both are not easy I know. I just feel like, lately, I have been on the active side. It’s getting harder that I have to apologize for something I don’t think I should just to clean a slate. I am done rationalizing and taking the blame all the time. When is this gonna stop?

I watched this local film last night and it just gave me a different perspective of how things are. It came to me that you can’t help but demand for something more all the time. I have to accept and receive whatever is given to me and take it as the best others could offer. We all try to be the best and do our utmost capability. Believing in love and how it mysteriously move is difficult but it can get you through anything and who knows, through everything too.

Right now, I am in shambles. I know that when the opportunity presents itself to me again I will run this thought through my mind again and go through all the hurt. Surely it won’t be easy. Knowing this too shall pass is hope. I am different and so are they. What I do is what I am and I will manage to learn how to give them the benefit that they too are doing what they believe is the best. After all, love binds us.

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memory of the past

After today, it was like deja vu. I realized I was on the same carousel that kept turning around. The faces weren’t exactly the same but they were familiar characters in a tragic fairy tale where I was the poor protagonist. I know that sounds redundant. But that is exactly where I am.

By tomorrow, I shall walk on the same aisle going to a different hell. I will drag my feet to that hole just like what I do each day. The things that comfort me then do not shield me anymore. My dwarfs are gone. My armor is wounded. It is hard to admit defeat. Defeat because I know all my moves will revert back to losing my king. I have few moves left now.

I would just like you to know – that the feeling is mutual.

A creation

He’s not like any body
So pale like nobody
He lived before till now
That of which in the darkness of owl

You wouldn’t dare be like him
And perform his night scheme
But I guarantee this
His magic you wouldn’t want to miss

He is a killer – cold blood
And passion is red blood
He thirsts and wants
And life he lusts

He is so lovely for a being
Who was once a human being
He is immortal addressed often as “man”
… though he is not human

 

 

 

photo credit: http://weknowyourdreams.com