growing old

The dotted lines in a coloring book
As a child you Trace and look
Careful not to break the chain
Eager for achievement to obtain

Lost in the bustling huge city
Ignorant to the world’s cruelty
You start to question how and why
You Trace your way as you start to cry

The lines on your face are evident
Trace of joy, fear and lonesome event
The mirror shall be the true picture
Of a meaningful past but not the future

the wall

Snob. That is the classic first Impression of me. And for my entire life I have wanted it to be that. It was my shield.

I grew up being bullied because I was an ugly duckling – I was skinny, plain, quiet and had bad teeth. I was bullied because I was poor – my uniform is off white because it’s been handed down to me instead of white like my other classmates; I wear civilian about a month when the school changed our uniform because we cannot afford to buy the new set of uniform right away.

At such a young age I started to build my own wall to separate me from the bad ones, the strong ones, the rich and famous. That wall I kept on building and made sturdy until I don’t recall I have built a wall.

It was sad behind the wall. It was lonely behind the wall. I was alone but I felt safe.

I made myself tough and able to fight for myself. I trained myself to be assertive when I have to and to not let others talk down on me or look down on me. I learned to value myself and I realized I am no less than others.

Even my closest friends would describe me as a snob, intimidating, unfriendly. That’s also the reason how I ended up with only the good ones; friends for keeps because only those with sincerity and pure intent of friendship are the ones who were able to cross the wall.

Snob. It’s how I was perceived by others because that is exactly how I wanted them to see me. In the end, their Impression is real and intended.

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the guest

I am suddenly reminded of home today. I’ve been living in a foreign land for some time now and I have managed to actually convince myself to somehow call it “home”. Although when I think hard on it, I don’t think I can fully embrace it.

Home is where the heart is after all and as long as my family (parents, relatives and friends) remain there, then this place won’t fully be a home for me. Nonetheless, I need to move on so I’m calling it.

Home is a place of Hospitality to the point that it becomes absurd. I am proud of this pertinent characteristic that we (Filipinos) are known for but I do not disagree that it can be ridiculous at times. Let me give you a clear picture of this.

When we have visitors come stay with us even for a night, my parents would offer their own bedroom for the guests to sleep in. If that is not preposterous enough, what if I tell you that my parents also change all the sheets and provide new blankets to go with it? It does not matter whether or not the bed was just made; my parents are still changing the sheets.

If that is not ridiculous enough for you; how about it I tell you that we also take out the unused and really heavy set of plates out for the visitor. Yeah, we do that!

I should mention too that before the visitors even arrive, my mom would make sure that we clean the house inside out. All the forgotten corners of the house are suddenly the most important area that we need to clean. We put away all eye sores around the house that are actually in there forever.

The gist is that visitors are treated as royalty among Filipinos. We give them all the best that we can offer even the ones we cannot afford. However illogical this may sound, that is the Filipino way. However odd it may seem, I am proud to be Filipino.

truth of life

Life has too many mysteries and though people over time have discovered and believed to have uncovered some of them, life itself remained a mystery.

Over time, people – scientists and professionals worked to explain and expose various truths about how life is created inside a woman’s womb, cure to deadly illness, preserve life, cheat death and behaviors to prosper.

In all these, two things remained constant. I’d like to share that on today’s two things Tuesday.

1> One
Felines are said to have nine lives. How awesome that would be if it were true with humans. So then we can have a clean slate after each life. That way we will have multiple tries to make our life worth it.

But we don’t have to have nine lives to make the most out of this great gift. After all, we are given 70 some years give or take to improve our lives, get a career, be happy, procreate, influence others to do well and live to the fullest. That should be enough. One lifetime should be enough.

2> Temporary
We all know what we have is borrowed time. In the end, we are to return this gift to the creator. The time we have been given is a chance to experience what life has to offer so that we may triumph over pain, overcome frustrations, succeed the failures and achieve happiness and contentment.

My husband lost his mom late last year and recently, his aunt who was more than a mother to him. His aunt cared for him since he was two and taught him everything he knew about life. It is devastating when it’s time to give life back but it is only sad if you have not lived it how you should have.

These truths are nothing unknown to us. But often times we choose to ignore these facts. It’s time to stop wasting it. It’s time to start living it. Let all the sorrows be gone, let all wounds heal, let all dreams come true. So at the finish line, we will be all smiles – no regrets, no unfinished business, no ifs and no looking back.



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synopsis of possibilities

I am Bitter.

I have been racking by brain for four long years how my best friend and I drifted apart and why. I have so many questions and barely have any answer till now.

It’s hard enough to be away from friends but for them to just erase you out of their lives is worse. It haunts me. What went wrong? When did he decide it was over? Was it something I did? Or was it something he did? Will we ever be okay?

My best friend and I, we have a beautiful story; a fairy tale for soul mate friends. We met in the most peculiar fashion and got the chance to know each other deeper than I can try to explain. We filled each other’s life with such color and meaning that only we can understand.

In the hope of finding closure (for now) and to muster enough courage to let go, I want to understand. I need to comprehend the logic for him to break the bond we built and cared for. I want to know how he did it; to cut me off in a heartbeat.

For my own sanity I came up with a few things that might have been the reason.

A > I migrated. I left him. I guess that is on me. At that time, he has a family and I am in the process of building my own so it is a little difficult to understand that moving away should be taken as leaving a friend behind. But maybe it was because I never told him about it. I never told him that I am working on my immigration application for the past 7 years. He only found out about a couple months before I left. Yeah, that is my bad. I did not want to hurt him but I did by not telling him.

B > He had a really close friend in high school and he told me they drifted apart after graduation. His reason was because they don’t see each other anymore like they used to. He said it is difficult for him to maintain friendship with anyone who’s not physically present. This is even with the existence of technology. After I left, I tried to reconnect with him on social media and video chats but he never responded. I even resorted to calling other common friends just so I can talk to him. Epic fail. I guess out of sight out of mind indeed.
C > I found love. He said he was happy for us but I’m not his best friend for nothing; I can feel he is not a hundred percent truthful when he told me that. I used to hang out at his house on weekends, sleepover, hangover and breakfast. Things changed when I had a boyfriend. I work in the city so when I come home for the weekend, I had to choose whether I would spend it with my boyfriend or my best friend. I put all my effort into balancing time between them and I thought I was doing okay; apparently not.

D > I fell for his other best friend. I guess we all weren’t expecting it but it happened. I thought it will all be easier because we’re all friends. I wanted to protect him when I decided with my boyfriend that we are not to share anything with our best friend – that if we ever have a fight, we won’t tell him so he won’t have to choose sides. I thought I was doing him a favor. He misunderstood us.

E > They had a fight. Two of the most important men in my life had a misunderstanding about something so trivial I don’t even remember what it was now. I guess it was too hard for him to have to see his enemy just to see me.

Call me pathetic but I still have hope that we can fix this, whatever it is that we need to fix. I still and will always have a special place in my heart for him. He will always be my best friend even if he doesn’t want me anymore.

We lost connection once but we found our way back after so long. This gives me hope that maybe, one day; we’ll do this once more and find our way back.

Yes. I am Bitter.

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