The resort

When faced with the unfamiliar

And the need to appear conversant

You resort to the colloquial

Vagueness becomes aspirant

 

When cornered in a web of lies

The need to say in control arise

The desire to manipulate and stay charge

Vagueness is the hero on the rise

 

When the truth is nothing but obvious

A question has only one answer

But for reasons unknown and personal

Vagueness keeps the lie in power

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First time mom

This is a piece of me..

I received the greatest gift so far. My son.

**

I did not want to have kids as I was growing up. I wanted to have kids of my own but the thought of carrying them in my womb for 9 long months and having to physically bring them out into the world scares me the most.

When I said scared, I am not talking about the dangers and complexities of being pregnant. And you would think I am selfish and vain but I was more concerned about how to get rid of the belly that might not go away. Ever. At all.

During my third trimester is when my tummy started to grow significantly big and after gaining 15 kg, at that point, I told myself, I’m never going to get back on all my old clothes. And so I packed all of them and placed them in a box for donation as tears started to roll from my eyes.

Was that me being pregnant and hormonal? Or was that me being my vain, selfish self? I wouldn’t know for sure.

I am a planner. It pains me not to know what’s going to happen in the next 24 hours more so how it’s going to unfold. So I tried every possible way to mitigate this concern and booked pre-natal classes and hospital tours, watched videos and read anything baby related I can search Google for.

With all these so called preparations, I realized lots of people tell you a lot of things that you can expect about pregnancy and child birth but there’s also a fair amount of information they neglect to tell you. Ergo, there’s only so much you can do to prepare and things will happen as they should and you should not worry too much; easier said than done for sure.

I was in pain for a good couple months and though I loved my son the moment I had some spotting during my first trimester and realized I could lose him, I was frustrated with how sleep deprived I was and how so little time I have left for myself.

I love my son and I would go through everything over again for him. To all mom to be/s or new moms who is overwhelmed by all the changes in their lives, it is important to stand back, look at your precious little ones and appreciate their beauty.

More importantly, know that things will get back to normal soon enough. It may not be exactly how it used to be – your body, your lifestyle and sleep times but it will have some normalcy at some point.

The journey into becoming a mother is a lifetime trek – unpredictable, swift, rewarding and can be frustrating. It is a role that will last until your last day on earth. It does not begin when you give birth and it does not end when your child turns 18; not even 40.

You will be a mom for the remaining of your lifetime but your little ones will not be babies for the remaining of your lifetime. So enjoy them while they are tiny and fragile because they will not be that small again.

shall be anger

Anyone may think that we know ourselves better than anyone or anything. Logical, yes but not absolutely true. Even our very own self is in discovery of who we really are each and every day. Our personalities are so dynamic that we can’t put it in a box and define it in full, actual detail. There’s always a catch. It’s like a genie’s wish – tricky and almost always not the way you think it’s going to end up.

I took this random quiz on facebook the other day. It’s supposed to find out and tell you what 7 deadly sin are you. I kind of knew what I would turn out to be but I took the quiz anyway. I was actually surprised it was pride! I mean really surprised. I honestly, truly believe that it can’t be pride. On all arguments with my brother, which was not petty, I am the one calming down first and making the first move to reconcile. I apologize and that’s never a problem for me. I strongly believe I am humble enough on other aspects. This really sounds like I’m putting myself on a pedestal but I’m not. I’m just trying to convince myself that there’s some truth on the quiz or none.

I was really vouching for anger to come out. I would have no questions at all if it did. I am definitely easily angered. And I do stupid things because I am angry. It’s just pretty obvious that’s all. I don’t know whatever happened to the quiz. Is this an eye opener for me? Now that’s making me think. And I got my answer like, in a matter of days.

We had this argument which was really petty and unimaginably irrelevant. But it turned out to be a big fight. And I was analyzing everything as it happens and I found out it was more of my fault. I couldn’t brush that off but definitely he has his fair share contribution on how things turned out to be a mess. I couldn’t get myself to apologize or anything to that effect. Then I remembered the quiz and I just realized, it was happening right now.

I turned things around. I told myself It’s not going to be pride. It shall be anger.

I myself didn’t know myself. I had to rationalize and choose how’s it’s going to be. Our personality is so dynamic and there’s much more to it than we may ever know. It was a choice and a discovery.

My precious

What do you consider your most prized possession? Could be your new jeep Cherokee – red with shiny wheels; could be your Iwatch that you got from your birthday; could be a medal when you won a speech contest or sports tournament. Now, if we try to take a moment and dig deeper into ourselves, beyond the material possessions that we consider important, beyond the dreams we’ve achieved, we realize that our most prized possession is our life. It is that one thing that we cannot replace; that one thing that once we lose it, everything else we own or have or known would not matter.

Life is really as simple as breathing in and breathing out but we insist on making it complicated. In our dire efforts to live life to the fullest, we create an endless list of goals and wants, a bucketful list of adventures we’d like to experience in our lifetime and the desire to find the love that we are meant to be with.

I’m going to share with you 2 poems that I strongly relate to how we need to value our real most prized possession, life. The first poem talks about love and the second is all about struggle and will to survive.

Here goes the first poem, Died for Love

In the park where I did dwell
I met a boy I loved like hell
There he took my heart from me
And now he wants me to set him free
He let a strange girl sat on his knee
Told her things he never told me
For I know the reason why
The girl was much prettier than I
I went home and cried in bed
Not a word to mother I said
My dad came home late at night
And searched for me from left to right
On my door he surely broke
For there I was hanging on a rope
He got a knife and cut me down
And on my bed a note was found
Dig my grave and dig it deep
Put marble stones from head to feet
And on my head put a dove
To show the world I died for love

The poem is plain and very straightforward and it talks about how something pure and wonderful as love could bring about darkness and pain into a person’s life that it has the power to make you think that losing your life, which is your most prized possession is worth nothing. We need to look beyond our broken hearts and emotional struggles and realize that no amount of pain should ever let us look at life any less. Ultimately, it tells us that life is worth living for whatever it trials we go through.

The second poem I’d like to share is, Invictus meaning invincible:

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head I bloody but unbowed
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid
It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul

The poem talks about struggles in general that we go through in life and how these struggles should never make us feel that life is worthless. The poem explains that however troubled our past was it prepares us for the future and that we should not be afraid. We are in charge of our life with the choices that we make, the master of our destiny and the captain of our being. Ultimately, it tells us that life is worth living for whatever it trials we go through.

2 strong poems that speaks about love, struggle and the will to survive; factors that affect how we spend our most prized possession. Shows us 2 routes that we can take – either we give up, give up our life or fight and overcome whatever’s thrown our way. Ultimately, it tells us that life is worth living for whatever it trials we go through.

In conclusion, let me leave you with a quote from Emily Dickinson:

“That it will never come again is what makes life sweet”.

**
I wrote this speech for the 5th speech project on the Competent Communication manual Your body speaks. The objectives of this speech are:

• Use stance, movement, gestures, facial expressions and eye contact to express your message and achieve your speech’s purpose.
• Make your body language smooth and natural.

here in my room

I like times like this sometimes. A little alone time to  think things through. Just me and my thoughts and no other voices lingering. I can choose to connect and disconnect with the real world. I find peace today; for tomorrow will be a blinding-light-in-the-midst-of-the-dark.

If man can live alone his entire existence it would be peaceful. You have no one to argue with. No one to make you feel sorry about yourself. No one to compete with. No one to feel jealous about. No one will take what you have. No expectations. No one to love you, therefore no one to cause you pain and disappointment. It would have been a quiet world.

Yet, there would be no purpose. No inspiration. No reason to move or live. No melody nor harmony. There would be no achievements. No direction. The world would then be nothing.

Then I go back and tell myself that after this alone time, I need to go back to the cruel world. The world I so hate and so love all at the same time. The world I want to leave but want to live in. My enemy and companion. THE everything.

sigh..

 

photo credit:

https://favim.com

 

should I stay or should I go?

We spend almost all our childhood life in learning institutions. I am talking about regular, mid-type families who can afford formal education. The rest of your years would be another chapter of learning, in a different format, unconfined to any establishment, with a mentor no less than yourself. I used to dream of becoming a mentor. I guess, every child at one point in time thought of it. And for the record, yeah, I thought of becoming a doctor as well. The hard part of education is on the latter chapter. In that case, I can safely say that we spend our entire journey on earth – learning.

Part of education is knowing your options and being certain as you can on the choices you make. And I tell you, every decision that you come across, no matter how little or huge, could change you a lot if not today, definitely in the future. It seemed to me that I am at this point where my decision could mark my career permanently. At times I’d like to think of it as a simple choice between cream based caramel frappuchino and blended coffee caramel frappuchino. They are almost alike I know. But the slight difference is the catch.

If you consider every aspect, every angle, every consequence, ever pros and cons – does that make it the best choice? Or does fulfillment and peace of mind does it? Tough call, believe me. I could rant all I want about it and discuss it to all of my friends for advice. I could post a poll on the internet or flip a coin or something. With that I definitely could pick one. And this dilemma would be all over. Done. But I just can’t. So should I stay or should I go?

Time will be my savior. Time that never stops for anyone. Time that just goes on no matter what. Time that never goes back. Time who seem not to care. Ironically, time will tell me. Not what to do, what to choose, what to decide. Time will tell me that it is time to stop thinking. And then, my decision would be final. When that moment comes, it will be crucial. The decisions wouldn’t be so strong anymore. It probably would not be well thought of either. But one thing is certain, it will be final.

 

photo credit:
https://www.google.ca

solitary

I find myself in the dark staring at a corner where a shed of light seem to come through. I was never scared of the dark. I grew up understanding that everything isn’t supposed to be all pretty all the time. My solitude is mainly dark nights, alone with my thoughts either about the future – which I try so hard to figure out before it happens or the past – which I try so hard to replay and hope to change. I conclude these nights with a question – how did I ever get this dark? How did I ever become so entangled with things I can never control?

Ironically, no matter how tragic my thoughts appear, would anyone believe that I am not sad? I am merely walking down memory lane when I was with a friend and friends. The cherished memories of knowing that even in solitude I will never be alone. These memories are both happy and nostalgic. Maybe I have a twisted way of looking at things and a really crappy way of being moved by negativity but none of these matters. In the end, I find myself in the dark staring at a corner where a shed of light seem to come through.