Treasured mistake

This is a piece of me..

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a writer.

**

There seemed to be music all around. The sky is indeed bluer than it ever did for the past 25 years that I’ve seen it. The wind seemed to whisper sweet I love yous to my ears. The mornings are as wonderful as the heaven. I am in ecstasy!

He just celebrated his birthday a couple of days ago. As a gift to himself, he made plans to go out – by himself – originally. I don’t want to speculate anymore if he did plan all things – for us. Was he just being his conceited self? Am I just a reserve for the girl who he really wanted to come but couldn’t? I don’t’ want to think of anything negative or hurting anymore for tonight is ours – our night – my night. I met him for dinner. I promised to treat him for his birthday. I have longed for this moment alone with him. Just the two of us – kind of dating. It was really awkward I must admit. In the length of our friendship, this is the second time we’ve gone out just the two of us. We got so caught up with talking we didn’t realize we’re still going to a concert. On the cab on our way to the place, I tried my best to be as normal as a best friend could ever be. I was torn between what I wanted to do and what I am expected of. He made the moves that surprised me in a lot more ways than one. He’s been really sweet with me all these years and I have always enjoyed my status. I mean status of being the special best friend. Sometimes I’d like to think of us as more than friends but less than lovers. He held my hand and held me really close with his arms around my back and shoulders. He was very gentle.

The gig was so short. It was funny because it was all over when we got there and surprisingly he didn’t feel bad at all. It was his most favorite band after all. We decided to head to my place somewhere near. The cab ride was the shortest I’ve had. I wanted to lie on his shoulders all night long. But borrowed time is all we have. We bought a few drinks on our way.

I never thought of this happening – tonight. But I did thought of it over in my mind for so long. It’s because I was sure it was not going to happen. I used to tell myself I am the safest girl he’s ever been close to. And I’m sadly proud of it. Sad because it makes me feel unattractive to his eyes also. And there, the next thing I knew, our lips were locked and my tongue was exploring his mouth. His tongue was gently touching my wet lips. Exchanges of breaths and his smell lingered on my nose. I stopped him as he was going to touch me. It was my goody-two-shoes-self taking over. We kissed once more. And we knew we shouldn’t. There were funny moments afterwards. I guess we were both keeping it safe. I urged him to stay for the night. But he always tells me – he’s fine with little times we could spend around each other rather than it be the longest last. I longed for him as I see him off.

Was it real? Was he just under alcohol influence? He isn’t really a drinker. I could knock him down if I wanted to. Was he thinking of doing it? Was it spontaneous? Was he trying to be spontaneous because I told him if I’d do something I want it to be spontaneous? Will our friendship be the same? That I’d make sure.

I know it isn’t right. I lied and betrayed a lot of people – my family, my friends, his wife, his other girl and myself. I failed myself. I failed to prove that platonic friendship does exist. I do like him. But I couldn’t tell my best friend that. But I bet he knew. Confessions of a third party but there is safety in no confirmations. I made a mistake and I don’t want to feel guilty. I have this treasured mistake with me. It will be a treasure that only Carlo and I would share.

When goodbyes become good

We often associate goodbyes and leaving with bitterness and pain. But today I realized you don’t always decide to end things, leave people, a place or anything for the sole reason of hurt nor melancholy. It seems absurd I know, to end things while feeling wonderful in it. Yet we do, sometimes.

Happiness it seemed lately, such a rare commodity and its price remain undefined. In our deepest intent to keep things at a certain state of joy, we opt to hold on to it and leave it at that. The idea of losing it by staying, the threat of being robbed of happiness forces us to preserve it by letting go.

I was looking at recent photos and it felt like it was taken ages ago, I understood why I had to. I finally agreed to myself that happiness resides in our hearts and not on people who causes it. It became clear that distance can be breached, that friendship does not rely on proximity and that love knows no boundaries.

When staying won’t add up to your joy, when enduring wouldn’t mean better days, when keeping up with things threatens a fall – then goodbyes become good.

the hats I wear

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that it has been a calm week which can be a miracle if you have a three month old infant like me. Contrary to what most people would say, I find myself having more time to think as I put my little angel to sleep or as I stare at his face as he doze off at night. This week was so calm I thought about all the roles I play in this world.

**

Thirty some years ago I was just like my little angel; a daughter to newbie parents whom I would like to think enjoyed my introduction to the world and to their budding married life. Before I was anybody, I was first a daughter. It would probably be the easiest role I ever played in this universe. Except when I started school and expectations were set. It was mostly my dad who had so many outlooks or so I thought. In retrospect, it was probably me who set that expectation for wanting to please my parents and the desire to make them proud of me. I would say I succeeded for the most part.
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Five years after, I became an older sister. It was not a breeze I have to say. It was probably the very first obstacle I had to overcome in life. The age gap did not make it easier – thanks to my parents. It took a while before my sister and I got along and now we’re inseparable. We live miles apart, we seldom talk these days because we’re both preoccupied with our own lives and busy living the life we’ve dreamed for ourselves but we are together in heart. I’d say this role is also my first victory.
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Part of growing up is being exposed outside the comforts of your home. And not having my family beside me all the time eventually pushed me to making friends, building a circle of people I can call “family”. I made some real good friends and some transitory ones too. I then took on the role of a friend. I’m not an easy person to get along with. I don’t think I’d like myself so much if I meet myself for the first time so I can totally relate to others. Having to trust people you’ve only met and giving them an opportunity to hurt you because you care is not that simple. Making friends is not a simple handshake for me. It takes more than just a couple of coffee breaks or compliments to feel another person’s sincerity. I was never miss congeniality but I did find real treasures – friends till the end.
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Among friends I met a guy whom I did not like. Ironically, I ended up marrying him and now I am happiest. It’s a pretty long romance story which is for another coffee share so I’d skip it for now. I’m a lot of things that is unnatural. I am not very domestic. I have always been the career-oriented wife so it was a bit strange to take on the role of a wife. I’m still working on it and I think I will be a work in progress here.
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I started out as a couple’s child and now I have one of my own. I think about my parents and how they were with me, how they helped me become the person that I am now. I think about how I would play a role in my little angel’s personality, behaviour, being and life. It’s a delicate role and sometimes I am worried, afraid and scared. But I tell myself, I’ve handled so many other roles in the past and this is a new challenge that I’m going to enjoy and endure.
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We wear so many different hats in our lifetime and each is a diverse challenge. It requires full attention, dedication and patience. We’re humans and if we end up not living up to expectations, it should be fine; we should be fine. We’re allowed a few wrong turns and missed intersections along the way as long as we try to find our way back and go the right path.
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photo credit:
http://www.clipartpanda.com
https://imjustnotthatcrafty.wordpress.com

do you believe?

Love conquers all. I would like to blindly believe that statement simply because it should be and the world is a better place if it is true. The thing is it is not that easy to love another person wholly and unconditionally all the time.

 

Love is achieved once a relationship is established – parent bond, friendship’s triumphant struggles or a strong romantic connection. When I think of my mom, I think she is an epic example of how love conquers all.

 

My dad is not exactly a model husband to say the least. He’s done quite enough to make a person fall out of love and yet my mom is head over heels still in love with him for the last three decades.

 

Personally, I think there are two other things that can be more important than love. I think if you are capable of these two things, love will not be impossible. I’d like to share that on today’s two things Tuesday.

 

1> Trust

Love is based on trust. We feel safe around the people we love because we know we can trust them not to hurt us or lead us to any harm. When we meet someone for the first time, we develop relationships with them as we go along and then we eventually build a circle of trust. That’s how we become friends with people. As time goes, this trust can evolve into something greater such as love.

 

What happens when they break this bond of trust? What happens when they lie to us or betray us or lead us to harm for their own gain? When trust is broken, it won’t be long enough before we feel that the love we once felt weakens until it is no longer there.

 

2> Respect

Love is based on respect. We respect our parents, our partners, our friends and for that we love them. I don’t think it is possible to love someone whom you do not respect at all. I don’t think any love can exist without a certain amount of respect.

 

When people have wronged us, they lose our respect. We think less of them, they become of little value, they are diminished and soon enough our love is reduced if not lost completely.

 

I think about couples who decide to go their separate ways. Not all of them fell out of love or fell in love with another. In fact, there are those who thought it better to live separate lives and be happy even if they still care and love each other. This happens because trust or respect was lost along the way and as the song would say, “sometimes love just ain’t enough”.

 

I think it’s a lot more difficult to gain back a lost love if their trust and respect is gone. When love drifts away and seemed to be lost, as long as there’s trust or respect, love can be restored.

 

Does love conquer all?

 

 

 

 

 

photo credit: https://runthisapple.com/

A Friend

I’ve been wishing since I was born with this life

That our friendship be forever

I’ve been hoping all my life

For you and me to be together

 

I had been seeing this guy when you told me

That he’s not the right man for me

I didn’t understand what you meant

And flowers around me suddenly lost scent

 

I am thinking deeply

Thinking should I believe you

M heart is aching seriously

Am I really hearing this from you

 

I was crying even in my sleep last night

As I came to my final decision

I am hurting you during the confrontation that night

I chose him over you in total confusion

 

Months and years passed by

And it hurts me more to realize

You were right after all, that made me cry

He was nothing compared to you but you I sacrificed

 

So I’ll be wishing on each star later

To bring things back and keep it that way

I shall be dreaming tomorrow, hug those dreams tighter

“I miss you” and this to you I’ll say