quit the bad habits

Why does it feel so easy to be cruel and restless all the time? It has always been a struggle to be someone that you will never be. Always a battle to become acceptable and an endless effort to achieve the serenity that gives an awful feeling of no-regrets. I have started on a real bad habit a couple of years ago and it’s just so difficult to do away with it. One after another that continues to doom my life into an eternal misfortune and wanting to be elsewhere. It seemed profound when I go back in time realizing I’ve crossed an impasse without realizing the consequences that would last a lifetime.

I often hear my thoughts asking what I have done and what I have done to deserve being here in a lump of disorder. How amazing that I cannot get myself to detach from these scenarios when I know very well where I’d end up. I wish I had the strength to step out of the comfort zone and take the risk. I wish there is a way to prepare myself to fail. I look at myself in the mirror and find a person who is disgusted with herself but couldn’t quite blame itself. I see the abyss of panic and hopelessness that envelopes the entire life that is lightly flickering behind it.

As I puff a smoke out of a stick of sin, I hoped the much bigger vice on which I live in would die down as I smash the burning hate emanating from the blackness of tar.

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stroll

I came by an enormous tree
I pictured myself climbing
I started to count one to three
I doubted and went back to walking

I saw a child playing at the park
He tripped and stumbled upon a rock
I moved to help then stopped at a mark
There, unmoving, as though I was stuck

I went passed the school where I wanted to go
Thought of how I gave up the endeavor
I was indecisive not knowing what to do
Till this moment I have not filled that fervor

*for the daily post:
Tentative
photo credit:
https://priviews.wordpress.com

solitary

I find myself in the dark staring at a corner where a shed of light seem to come through. I was never scared of the dark. I grew up understanding that everything isn’t supposed to be all pretty all the time. My solitude is mainly dark nights, alone with my thoughts either about the future – which I try so hard to figure out before it happens or the past – which I try so hard to replay and hope to change. I conclude these nights with a question – how did I ever get this dark? How did I ever become so entangled with things I can never control?

Ironically, no matter how tragic my thoughts appear, would anyone believe that I am not sad? I am merely walking down memory lane when I was with a friend and friends. The cherished memories of knowing that even in solitude I will never be alone. These memories are both happy and nostalgic. Maybe I have a twisted way of looking at things and a really crappy way of being moved by negativity but none of these matters. In the end, I find myself in the dark staring at a corner where a shed of light seem to come through.

perceptions

In our efforts to keep our lives private, we tend to build a facade of the very person who we truly are not. It is interesting to note too that while we do this unfathomable gesture, we expect everyone to believe otherwise. It’s not just complex but odd.

 

People’s perception of us is mainly based on what we project and not the other way around. Thus, it is politically incorrect to rationalize our appalling manners to mean that we are only trying to embody what others are saying that we are.

 

I may seem to be going around in circles but the truth is I am being straightforward. Everything is not what it seems after all. If your life could be summed up as a number, what would it be? As for now, mine would be 80 not because I was given it. It is because I caused it to be it.

3

This guy I met along the way
When love was on the rock
I somehow knew the guy okay
But he’s as slow as a duck

Now the man I do love
The only one who captured my heart
Seemed to be the one who will have
To tear everything in me apart

Call me cruel or vain if you may
But I want them all just the same
You can tell me all you want to say
And I knew I would lose either way

The least on my list
Never forgets me in a day
He’s someone I will surely miss
That’s all that I can say

I want them all
That I know for sure
I like them all
Nobody’s ranked poor

 

 

Closure

We created our own world

It will be you and me till we grow old

We are opposites yet still the same

And so we engraved in a stone our name

We escape reality as we talk every day

The past, the present and dreams we say

I hold your hand so close to my heart

And hope you feel it though we’re apart

I left knowing we will be just fine

I left knowing you will still be mine

We said proper goodbyes with hugs so tight

We said we’ll talk as much as every night

Your eyes were empty when we talked last

Wish I knew why so I can bridge the past

Like milk that turned sour it just happened

A sad fairy tale I never thought would end

Ice breaker

Almost 2 years ago, I finally had the time and means to renew my membership with the Toastmasters. The club played a big part in keeping me sane being alone and away from home, family, friends and the world I’ve known all my life. It took a while before I was able to write my first speech not because I had no time to do it or I wasn’t sure what to write. It took me a while to write because it involved Specific details about myself. I am not comfortable about it. I always thought the topic about myself is not interesting and irrelevant.

I didn’t want to reveal so much about myself because it made me feel vulnerable but when I finally finished the speech, it turned out to be a lot more Specific than I intended it to be – which in the end is not that bad. I think, sharing pieces of yourself to the world does not open yourself up to susceptibility; instead you are taking the first step to freeing yourself from doubt, conquering your fear and embracing a world of possibilities.

** (the speech) Continue reading