This is a piece of me..
I lost a friend couple of years back. I miss you Chad.
It felt almost the same as graduating from high school when Wave 4 finally was launched on the floor. I would often find time during shift to be alone with my thoughts reminding myself that there’s no reason to be sad when friends go apart. It took some time for us to get a chance to know each other and realize that we are so alike in a lot of ways than we thought. And when we did, we just became real good friends as if we were from a long time ago. If this is a love story, I’d call us – soul mates. I remember when I told you this, you pushed me so hard for we both thought it was so cheesy and silly and then we laughed about it so hard.
I never had to think about what I can or cannot say when I’m with you because my heart knew that you are there not to judge or make things okay but to listen and just be there. At times I don’t even have to say or do anything, you just know. We know when we need to talk and when we just need to be beside each other. I remember one random time over smoke when we talked about friendship. You know how melodramatic I can be about almost everything and how I’ve always shielded myself from pain and disappointment of anything that could be hurtful to the extent that I distanced myself to a lot of things, people and opportunity. You made me realize a lot of things with the short and meaningful words that you said. You always claim that you are not good with words and ironically I always claim that I am but I guess, we both are and are not.
You made me cry so hard at Kwagos before I left you and the Team’s feisty, crazy ideas. But those were the memories that I carried with me and made me wake up each day looking forward to going back and hanging out with all of you. I tried so hard to keep myself together up until I went to visit you at the hospital. I wanted to come to you immediately when I found out but I just don’t want to see you in any pain because we both know I won’t be able to handle that. I felt so bad as a friend because I couldn’t give you the strength that you needed when you needed it the most because I broke down in tears when we finally saw each other. I wanted so much to hug you tighter and longer but you were so fragile I was afraid I’d break you. We were just staring at each other as I tried to make sense of what your mom was saying about how you are doing. We just sat, said the things we wanted to say with our eyes and you winked at me so many times trying to tell me that it’s going to be okay while I tried to hold back the tears.
I would be selfish to say that I wished you were there at my wedding, to say that I wish we had more time before you left, to say that I wish you didn’t go, to say that I wish you could’ve waited for me to call and say goodbye. I know you’d understand and that you’d allow me to be a little selfish for a while. I know you fought hard and I’m proud of you. I wish I could be there to bring you to your resting place but I guess I don’t have to because my heart is where you’ll be forever treasured. I don’t want to say goodbye but I can’t say see you later either. I don’t want to cry no more but I can’t smile either. Gone too soon Chad; too soon. I miss you already.