the wall

Snob. That is the classic first Impression of me. And for my entire life I have wanted it to be that. It was my shield.

I grew up being bullied because I was an ugly duckling – I was skinny, plain, quiet and had bad teeth. I was bullied because I was poor – my uniform is off white because it’s been handed down to me instead of white like my other classmates; I wear civilian about a month when the school changed our uniform because we cannot afford to buy the new set of uniform right away.

At such a young age I started to build my own wall to separate me from the bad ones, the strong ones, the rich and famous. That wall I kept on building and made sturdy until I don’t recall I have built a wall.

It was sad behind the wall. It was lonely behind the wall. I was alone but I felt safe.

I made myself tough and able to fight for myself. I trained myself to be assertive when I have to and to not let others talk down on me or look down on me. I learned to value myself and I realized I am no less than others.

Even my closest friends would describe me as a snob, intimidating, unfriendly. That’s also the reason how I ended up with only the good ones; friends for keeps because only those with sincerity and pure intent of friendship are the ones who were able to cross the wall.

Snob. It’s how I was perceived by others because that is exactly how I wanted them to see me. In the end, their Impression is real and intended.

photo credit:

http://mclarenwalltowall.com

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why I love wave 4

Since time immemorial, I have known and accepted the fact that I am a bad person. Bad in a way that I drive people away from me, stopping them before they even begin to know me in-depth; bad in a way that I am clearly perceived as mean, scheming, antagonistic, purely devilish person whom no one dares to mess with or even sit by in a bench. I have gotten used to sitting alone in a row of empty chairs just because I seem to scare people away. Bad in a way that I put up a concrete wall where I will be untouchable, invulnerable from pain and mockery. Absurdly, I found pleasure from that perception. It gave me dominance over the weak; it gave me authority to assert myself and made me in control of most situations.

Little did I know that I would come to know a bunch of guys who will see the almost-buried goodness that I have inside, some of which I did not even know existed. It made things easier for me to let go of my mask and reveal that part of me which I kept hidden all this time; for fear of being hurt, trampled on and intimidated. Now I realized it does feel good to get compliments sometimes, not just for a job well done but for being the best real person one could ever be. I do hope I was able to touch your lives the way you touched mine.

Viva WAVE 4!!

solid wave 4 batch 2011

When goodbyes become good

We often associate goodbyes and leaving with bitterness and pain. But today I realized you don’t always decide to end things, leave people, a place or anything for the sole reason of hurt nor melancholy. It seems absurd I know, to end things while feeling wonderful in it. Yet we do, sometimes.

Happiness it seemed lately, such a rare commodity and its price remain undefined. In our deepest intent to keep things at a certain state of joy, we opt to hold on to it and leave it at that. The idea of losing it by staying, the threat of being robbed of happiness forces us to preserve it by letting go.

I was looking at recent photos and it felt like it was taken ages ago, I understood why I had to. I finally agreed to myself that happiness resides in our hearts and not on people who causes it. It became clear that distance can be breached, that friendship does not rely on proximity and that love knows no boundaries.

When staying won’t add up to your joy, when enduring wouldn’t mean better days, when keeping up with things threatens a fall – then goodbyes become good.

synopsis of possibilities

I am Bitter.

I have been racking by brain for four long years how my best friend and I drifted apart and why. I have so many questions and barely have any answer till now.

It’s hard enough to be away from friends but for them to just erase you out of their lives is worse. It haunts me. What went wrong? When did he decide it was over? Was it something I did? Or was it something he did? Will we ever be okay?

My best friend and I, we have a beautiful story; a fairy tale for soul mate friends. We met in the most peculiar fashion and got the chance to know each other deeper than I can try to explain. We filled each other’s life with such color and meaning that only we can understand.

In the hope of finding closure (for now) and to muster enough courage to let go, I want to understand. I need to comprehend the logic for him to break the bond we built and cared for. I want to know how he did it; to cut me off in a heartbeat.

For my own sanity I came up with a few things that might have been the reason.

A > I migrated. I left him. I guess that is on me. At that time, he has a family and I am in the process of building my own so it is a little difficult to understand that moving away should be taken as leaving a friend behind. But maybe it was because I never told him about it. I never told him that I am working on my immigration application for the past 7 years. He only found out about a couple months before I left. Yeah, that is my bad. I did not want to hurt him but I did by not telling him.

B > He had a really close friend in high school and he told me they drifted apart after graduation. His reason was because they don’t see each other anymore like they used to. He said it is difficult for him to maintain friendship with anyone who’s not physically present. This is even with the existence of technology. After I left, I tried to reconnect with him on social media and video chats but he never responded. I even resorted to calling other common friends just so I can talk to him. Epic fail. I guess out of sight out of mind indeed.
C > I found love. He said he was happy for us but I’m not his best friend for nothing; I can feel he is not a hundred percent truthful when he told me that. I used to hang out at his house on weekends, sleepover, hangover and breakfast. Things changed when I had a boyfriend. I work in the city so when I come home for the weekend, I had to choose whether I would spend it with my boyfriend or my best friend. I put all my effort into balancing time between them and I thought I was doing okay; apparently not.

D > I fell for his other best friend. I guess we all weren’t expecting it but it happened. I thought it will all be easier because we’re all friends. I wanted to protect him when I decided with my boyfriend that we are not to share anything with our best friend – that if we ever have a fight, we won’t tell him so he won’t have to choose sides. I thought I was doing him a favor. He misunderstood us.

E > They had a fight. Two of the most important men in my life had a misunderstanding about something so trivial I don’t even remember what it was now. I guess it was too hard for him to have to see his enemy just to see me.

Call me pathetic but I still have hope that we can fix this, whatever it is that we need to fix. I still and will always have a special place in my heart for him. He will always be my best friend even if he doesn’t want me anymore.

We lost connection once but we found our way back after so long. This gives me hope that maybe, one day; we’ll do this once more and find our way back.

Yes. I am Bitter.
Best-Friends-necklace

photo credit:
http://www.thatsmags.com
http://www.nomadicmatt.com

the best

This is a piece of me..

We met. We loved. We disagreed. You walked away. Bes.

**

I told you in one of our conversations that I’d rather be the one to leave than be left behind. I thought we’d survive the distance although you were clear that people out of your sight eventually become out of your mind. I thought I’d be different; we would be different.

I made all efforts to keep things as they were though we’re miles apart. Maybe I wasn’t ready to let you go. Maybe you let me go even before I left. We haven’t talked in a long while so I guess I’ll never know.

Those years that I was alone I felt the warmth of your love like a Blanket. You occupied my cold nights and I was happy. People did not understand what we have – only that we are special. We were special to each other.

When I look at your eyes, it strikes my heart with a giant pain that you don’t look at me the way you did. Things changed in a heartbeat. It pains me to realize that the boy I thought I knew is gone – for good.

I wish we could go back to that warm afternoon when I first heard your voice and I was enthralled. Those endless conversations with a stranger whom I felt so close to my heart that I cherish up to now. I wish we could go back to those starlit nights when we would stare at the sky together and dream elusive imaginings.

I tried so hard to write a comforting letter when I heard you lost a very important person. I wanted to take that chance to talk about us but I felt it was best not to. I set aside my loneliness and focused on yours. I offered the same love that I know you need the most.

I will forever wonder what happened in between. I will forever hope that we can still go back that path. I will forever think of you as the love I had. But we know forever is not real but I will.

If pain taught me one thing – it is to be tough in times of weakness. And though pain is not the best feeling in the world, I shall nurture it if that is what would keep you in me.

 

 

 

 

 

photo credit: http://freephotos.atguru.in

A Friend

I’ve been wishing since I was born with this life

That our friendship be forever

I’ve been hoping all my life

For you and me to be together

 

I had been seeing this guy when you told me

That he’s not the right man for me

I didn’t understand what you meant

And flowers around me suddenly lost scent

 

I am thinking deeply

Thinking should I believe you

M heart is aching seriously

Am I really hearing this from you

 

I was crying even in my sleep last night

As I came to my final decision

I am hurting you during the confrontation that night

I chose him over you in total confusion

 

Months and years passed by

And it hurts me more to realize

You were right after all, that made me cry

He was nothing compared to you but you I sacrificed

 

So I’ll be wishing on each star later

To bring things back and keep it that way

I shall be dreaming tomorrow, hug those dreams tighter

“I miss you” and this to you I’ll say

To Chad

This is a piece of me..

I lost a friend couple of years back. I miss you Chad.

**

It felt almost the same as graduating from high school when Wave 4 finally was launched on the floor. I would often find time during shift to be alone with my thoughts reminding myself that there’s no reason to be sad when friends go apart. It took some time for us to get a chance to know each other and realize that we are so alike in a lot of ways than we thought. And when we did, we just became real good friends as if we were from a long time ago. If this is a love story, I’d call us – soul mates. I remember when I told you this, you pushed me so hard for we both thought it was so cheesy and silly and then we laughed about it so hard.

 

I never had to think about what I can or cannot say when I’m with you because my heart knew that you are there not to judge or make things okay but to listen and just be there. At times I don’t even have to say or do anything, you just know. We know when we need to talk and when we just need to be beside each other. I remember one random time over smoke when we talked about friendship. You know how melodramatic I can be about almost everything and how I’ve always shielded myself from pain and disappointment of anything that could be hurtful to the extent that I distanced myself to a lot of things, people and opportunity. You made me realize a lot of things with the short and meaningful words that you said. You always claim that you are not good with words and ironically I always claim that I am but I guess, we both are and are not.

 

You made me cry so hard at Kwagos before I left you and the Team’s feisty, crazy ideas. But those were the memories that I carried with me and made me wake up each day looking forward to going back and hanging out with all of you. I tried so hard to keep myself together up until I went to visit you at the hospital. I wanted to come to you immediately when I found out but I just don’t want to see you in any pain because we both know I won’t be able to handle that. I felt so bad as a friend because I couldn’t give you the strength that you needed when you needed it the most because I broke down in tears when we finally saw each other. I wanted so much to hug you tighter and longer but you were so fragile I was afraid I’d break you. We were just staring at each other as I tried to make sense of what your mom was saying about how you are doing. We just sat, said the things we wanted to say with our eyes and you winked at me so many times trying to tell me that it’s going to be okay while I tried to hold back the tears.

 

I would be selfish to say that I wished you were there at my wedding, to say that I wish we had more time before you left, to say that I wish you didn’t go, to say that I wish you could’ve waited for me to call and say goodbye. I know you’d understand and that you’d allow me to be a little selfish for a while. I know you fought hard and I’m proud of you. I wish I could be there to bring you to your resting place but I guess I don’t have to because my heart is where you’ll be forever treasured. I don’t want to say goodbye but I can’t say see you later either.  I don’t want to cry no more but I can’t smile either. Gone too soon Chad; too soon. I miss you already.