after all

It’s this after all thing
That makes things annoying
I don’t like the idea
Of you treating me special
I don’t feel such instead it’s unusual

Before I thought it’s but normal
and perhaps very natural
I even thought
You are kinda liking me
Not only for what we are already

How stupid I was not to carefully watch
and jump into a conclusion as such
What a fool I’ve been
Not to notice what you really want
And all my feelings spent

I don’t think I’m a flirt
But I really am hurt
Nobody can define
No words could express
My feelings of distress

I’m not blaming you for anything
I just know you’re the rest of everything
But never mind that
I’ll it over it somehow
Only time can allow

Not because we’ve had some fight
Would be a reason for our friendship to lose its light
Friends we’ll always be
You don’t have to worry
There’s no need to be

Together for how many years?
Shouldn’t be waster by tears
After all we’re good friends
Wait.. then after all
After all isn’t so bad at all

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shall be anger

Anyone may think that we know ourselves better than anyone or anything. Logical, yes but not absolutely true. Even our very own self is in discovery of who we really are each and every day. Our personalities are so dynamic that we can’t put it in a box and define it in full, actual detail. There’s always a catch. It’s like a genie’s wish – tricky and almost always not the way you think it’s going to end up.

I took this random quiz on facebook the other day. It’s supposed to find out and tell you what 7 deadly sin are you. I kind of knew what I would turn out to be but I took the quiz anyway. I was actually surprised it was pride! I mean really surprised. I honestly, truly believe that it can’t be pride. On all arguments with my brother, which was not petty, I am the one calming down first and making the first move to reconcile. I apologize and that’s never a problem for me. I strongly believe I am humble enough on other aspects. This really sounds like I’m putting myself on a pedestal but I’m not. I’m just trying to convince myself that there’s some truth on the quiz or none.

I was really vouching for anger to come out. I would have no questions at all if it did. I am definitely easily angered. And I do stupid things because I am angry. It’s just pretty obvious that’s all. I don’t know whatever happened to the quiz. Is this an eye opener for me? Now that’s making me think. And I got my answer like, in a matter of days.

We had this argument which was really petty and unimaginably irrelevant. But it turned out to be a big fight. And I was analyzing everything as it happens and I found out it was more of my fault. I couldn’t brush that off but definitely he has his fair share contribution on how things turned out to be a mess. I couldn’t get myself to apologize or anything to that effect. Then I remembered the quiz and I just realized, it was happening right now.

I turned things around. I told myself It’s not going to be pride. It shall be anger.

I myself didn’t know myself. I had to rationalize and choose how’s it’s going to be. Our personality is so dynamic and there’s much more to it than we may ever know. It was a choice and a discovery.

forgiveness is more than saying sorry

After some time, after giving and yielding, it’s natural for anybody to get tired. I thought it won’t happen to me. Besides I’m doing all these for special people whom I really love and totally important to me. Yet again it seemed I too would sink in with all the rest and most probably rest at the bottom of the pit to the point of no return. And honestly, I’m growing so tired of these. Same old episodes and scenarios that ends the same way. It’s such a drag. An emotional luggage that keeps on piling up; there’s no more room for another batch.

I am surrounded by people who are incapable of expressing themselves. And that always happens when I wanted them so much to show me how they feel. I am around people who seemed to have sky-high pride that they couldn’t even deliver a decent apology. A simple, heart-felt, short but meaningful expression of sorry. It won’t help nor bring back what was lost or taken thru any sincere apology. But it could definitely help heal and calm a wounded and seemingly irreparable damage to emotion. Sometimes I wonder which is more difficult – be the one who owes someone an apology or be the one who has to forgive. Both are not easy I know. I just feel like, lately, I have been on the active side. It’s getting harder that I have to apologize for something I don’t think I should just to clean a slate. I am done rationalizing and taking the blame all the time. When is this gonna stop?

I watched this local film last night and it just gave me a different perspective of how things are. It came to me that you can’t help but demand for something more all the time. I have to accept and receive whatever is given to me and take it as the best others could offer. We all try to be the best and do our utmost capability. Believing in love and how it mysteriously move is difficult but it can get you through anything and who knows, through everything too.

Right now, I am in shambles. I know that when the opportunity presents itself to me again I will run this thought through my mind again and go through all the hurt. Surely it won’t be easy. Knowing this too shall pass is hope. I am different and so are they. What I do is what I am and I will manage to learn how to give them the benefit that they too are doing what they believe is the best. After all, love binds us.

A touch

The very first was when he held me
Warm and tight on my upper arm
As we cross the street so uncalm
Leading the way, leading me

All these began inside the movie house
where lights are out and the cold was so much
Him beside me his hands like mouse
Creeping on my hands slowly to touch

It all started as we were strolling
Uncomfortable and so uneasy walking
Placing his hand over my shoulder hesitantly
Even tried on the hips coz I made it no easy

As he held my hand so cold
While his so warm and heavy
He planted a kiss in it so lightly
It lasted a while then tightened his hold

here in my room

I like times like this sometimes. A little alone time to  think things through. Just me and my thoughts and no other voices lingering. I can choose to connect and disconnect with the real world. I find peace today; for tomorrow will be a blinding-light-in-the-midst-of-the-dark.

If man can live alone his entire existence it would be peaceful. You have no one to argue with. No one to make you feel sorry about yourself. No one to compete with. No one to feel jealous about. No one will take what you have. No expectations. No one to love you, therefore no one to cause you pain and disappointment. It would have been a quiet world.

Yet, there would be no purpose. No inspiration. No reason to move or live. No melody nor harmony. There would be no achievements. No direction. The world would then be nothing.

Then I go back and tell myself that after this alone time, I need to go back to the cruel world. The world I so hate and so love all at the same time. The world I want to leave but want to live in. My enemy and companion. THE everything.

sigh..

 

photo credit:

https://favim.com

 

Treasured mistake

This is a piece of me..

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a writer.

**

There seemed to be music all around. The sky is indeed bluer than it ever did for the past 25 years that I’ve seen it. The wind seemed to whisper sweet I love yous to my ears. The mornings are as wonderful as the heaven. I am in ecstasy!

He just celebrated his birthday a couple of days ago. As a gift to himself, he made plans to go out – by himself – originally. I don’t want to speculate anymore if he did plan all things – for us. Was he just being his conceited self? Am I just a reserve for the girl who he really wanted to come but couldn’t? I don’t’ want to think of anything negative or hurting anymore for tonight is ours – our night – my night. I met him for dinner. I promised to treat him for his birthday. I have longed for this moment alone with him. Just the two of us – kind of dating. It was really awkward I must admit. In the length of our friendship, this is the second time we’ve gone out just the two of us. We got so caught up with talking we didn’t realize we’re still going to a concert. On the cab on our way to the place, I tried my best to be as normal as a best friend could ever be. I was torn between what I wanted to do and what I am expected of. He made the moves that surprised me in a lot more ways than one. He’s been really sweet with me all these years and I have always enjoyed my status. I mean status of being the special best friend. Sometimes I’d like to think of us as more than friends but less than lovers. He held my hand and held me really close with his arms around my back and shoulders. He was very gentle.

The gig was so short. It was funny because it was all over when we got there and surprisingly he didn’t feel bad at all. It was his most favorite band after all. We decided to head to my place somewhere near. The cab ride was the shortest I’ve had. I wanted to lie on his shoulders all night long. But borrowed time is all we have. We bought a few drinks on our way.

I never thought of this happening – tonight. But I did thought of it over in my mind for so long. It’s because I was sure it was not going to happen. I used to tell myself I am the safest girl he’s ever been close to. And I’m sadly proud of it. Sad because it makes me feel unattractive to his eyes also. And there, the next thing I knew, our lips were locked and my tongue was exploring his mouth. His tongue was gently touching my wet lips. Exchanges of breaths and his smell lingered on my nose. I stopped him as he was going to touch me. It was my goody-two-shoes-self taking over. We kissed once more. And we knew we shouldn’t. There were funny moments afterwards. I guess we were both keeping it safe. I urged him to stay for the night. But he always tells me – he’s fine with little times we could spend around each other rather than it be the longest last. I longed for him as I see him off.

Was it real? Was he just under alcohol influence? He isn’t really a drinker. I could knock him down if I wanted to. Was he thinking of doing it? Was it spontaneous? Was he trying to be spontaneous because I told him if I’d do something I want it to be spontaneous? Will our friendship be the same? That I’d make sure.

I know it isn’t right. I lied and betrayed a lot of people – my family, my friends, his wife, his other girl and myself. I failed myself. I failed to prove that platonic friendship does exist. I do like him. But I couldn’t tell my best friend that. But I bet he knew. Confessions of a third party but there is safety in no confirmations. I made a mistake and I don’t want to feel guilty. I have this treasured mistake with me. It will be a treasure that only Carlo and I would share.

a little

When I was little
I think about love just a little
I look at boys just a little
And nothing more than that

When I grew a little
I think about boys more not little
I look forward to falling in love more not little
I knew there’s more to that

I’m not yet grown up, just a little
I don’t think about boys but one, more than a little
And I think I know love more than when I was little
And I wish there’s more to that