Treasured mistake

This is a piece of me..

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a writer.

**

There seemed to be music all around. The sky is indeed bluer than it ever did for the past 25 years that I’ve seen it. The wind seemed to whisper sweet I love yous to my ears. The mornings are as wonderful as the heaven. I am in ecstasy!

He just celebrated his birthday a couple of days ago. As a gift to himself, he made plans to go out – by himself – originally. I don’t want to speculate anymore if he did plan all things – for us. Was he just being his conceited self? Am I just a reserve for the girl who he really wanted to come but couldn’t? I don’t’ want to think of anything negative or hurting anymore for tonight is ours – our night – my night. I met him for dinner. I promised to treat him for his birthday. I have longed for this moment alone with him. Just the two of us – kind of dating. It was really awkward I must admit. In the length of our friendship, this is the second time we’ve gone out just the two of us. We got so caught up with talking we didn’t realize we’re still going to a concert. On the cab on our way to the place, I tried my best to be as normal as a best friend could ever be. I was torn between what I wanted to do and what I am expected of. He made the moves that surprised me in a lot more ways than one. He’s been really sweet with me all these years and I have always enjoyed my status. I mean status of being the special best friend. Sometimes I’d like to think of us as more than friends but less than lovers. He held my hand and held me really close with his arms around my back and shoulders. He was very gentle.

The gig was so short. It was funny because it was all over when we got there and surprisingly he didn’t feel bad at all. It was his most favorite band after all. We decided to head to my place somewhere near. The cab ride was the shortest I’ve had. I wanted to lie on his shoulders all night long. But borrowed time is all we have. We bought a few drinks on our way.

I never thought of this happening – tonight. But I did thought of it over in my mind for so long. It’s because I was sure it was not going to happen. I used to tell myself I am the safest girl he’s ever been close to. And I’m sadly proud of it. Sad because it makes me feel unattractive to his eyes also. And there, the next thing I knew, our lips were locked and my tongue was exploring his mouth. His tongue was gently touching my wet lips. Exchanges of breaths and his smell lingered on my nose. I stopped him as he was going to touch me. It was my goody-two-shoes-self taking over. We kissed once more. And we knew we shouldn’t. There were funny moments afterwards. I guess we were both keeping it safe. I urged him to stay for the night. But he always tells me – he’s fine with little times we could spend around each other rather than it be the longest last. I longed for him as I see him off.

Was it real? Was he just under alcohol influence? He isn’t really a drinker. I could knock him down if I wanted to. Was he thinking of doing it? Was it spontaneous? Was he trying to be spontaneous because I told him if I’d do something I want it to be spontaneous? Will our friendship be the same? That I’d make sure.

I know it isn’t right. I lied and betrayed a lot of people – my family, my friends, his wife, his other girl and myself. I failed myself. I failed to prove that platonic friendship does exist. I do like him. But I couldn’t tell my best friend that. But I bet he knew. Confessions of a third party but there is safety in no confirmations. I made a mistake and I don’t want to feel guilty. I have this treasured mistake with me. It will be a treasure that only Carlo and I would share.

a little

When I was little
I think about love just a little
I look at boys just a little
And nothing more than that

When I grew a little
I think about boys more not little
I look forward to falling in love more not little
I knew there’s more to that

I’m not yet grown up, just a little
I don’t think about boys but one, more than a little
And I think I know love more than when I was little
And I wish there’s more to that

contemplation

It’s amazing how music can drift you off to someplace where you can be alone with your thoughts amidst the blaring crowd that surrounds you.The loud music that fills your brain can actually create clarity within your crowded and corrupted mind. Quiet songs tend to bring your brain’s voice louder and more clear for your own ears to comprehend.

 

It’s strange how a silent person, sitting on a bus could be having a deadly battle inside his head about colliding ideas, all racing to win a debate. During the silent pauses of each changing melody, one is brought back to where he truly was. And on every song that ended, he noted a story that has ended.

 

It is an endless search for reason, for blame, for responsibility, for a resolution. It leaves a restless heart when none of these are found. But it is neither a guarantee of peace even if all of these things are unmasked and defined. Then what are all these for after all?

 

It is then decided – nothing is certain except for beginnings and endings. And it is an endless circle of collaborated events and things that keeps us moving, the world revolving and more changes. For all these then, there is no use to say goodbye – for everything is and will be temporary.

When goodbyes become good

We often associate goodbyes and leaving with bitterness and pain. But today I realized you don’t always decide to end things, leave people, a place or anything for the sole reason of hurt nor melancholy. It seems absurd I know, to end things while feeling wonderful in it. Yet we do, sometimes.

Happiness it seemed lately, such a rare commodity and its price remain undefined. In our deepest intent to keep things at a certain state of joy, we opt to hold on to it and leave it at that. The idea of losing it by staying, the threat of being robbed of happiness forces us to preserve it by letting go.

I was looking at recent photos and it felt like it was taken ages ago, I understood why I had to. I finally agreed to myself that happiness resides in our hearts and not on people who causes it. It became clear that distance can be breached, that friendship does not rely on proximity and that love knows no boundaries.

When staying won’t add up to your joy, when enduring wouldn’t mean better days, when keeping up with things threatens a fall – then goodbyes become good.

too late

I waited for what seemed like an eternity for an absolution that almost felt like a bleak chance. I put up for all the mediocrity of every passing day, continued to live despite the melancholic series of events they called life. I let adversities go on till I became numb to its thorns. I contented myself with little laughter from trivial scenarios and considered it immensely humorous. I was convinced that soon I would drown in that void for the rest of time.

My deliverance came when I almost lost hope. It all happened a second before I finally let go of my last straw of optimism. It came to me when I least expected it and when I needed it the most. My gratitude is immeasurable. My joy has such depth that I lost my breath shouting out to express my deepest thanks.

Just as when my world begins to revolve and catch up on its pace, they happened. My savior from blackness became a despicable threat just like a dream that turned into the darkest nightmare. How could things turn up as such? Who would have thought? What now? Too many questions with unacceptable answers. Too many appalling certainties I cannot avoid. What awaits me? Where will it take me? What can I do?