TGIF – Try

It was an awesome week, thank god it’s Friday!

Growing up, I had many struggles. Struggles that I made sure to win.

Some of them I lost entirely but most of them, I won; after years of trying and a lot of time consoling myself for the failures along the way.

Success is much sweeter when you’ve worked so hard for it and reminiscing over the multiple downs and upset days you’ve gone through. I’m not saying one should fail multiple times first and succeed after so many tries.

All I’m saying is that, it is a sweeter revenge when you’ve accomplished something even if the world sort of told you that you can’t.

My hubby have been trying to pass the road test to get a driver’s license for about a year now. He can only try every after a couple of weeks after the last one but it took him a year because he got so frustrated he didn’t want to try again right away.

And so with much urging and incessant convincing, he recently actively booked road tests after road tests. I may not know exactly how he feels at every failure but I certainly know the feeling of being a disappointment.

Just this week, we went for another one which I almost cancelled on because I had “better” things to do that day.

My stomach was full of flying butterflies as he pulled out of the parking lot with yet another examiner. And the butterflies grew even worse when I saw the car pulled back. Exam is over.

I waited in the room, looking at a distance at the car while the instructor and my hubby was intently discussing how the exam went. I wasn’t sure what to do.

I have exhausted all the inspiring and consoling words to say. What should I say this time?

The most awaited moment happened. He passed!

I was filled with so much enthusiasm. I was even more ecstatic that him. I think he grew numb to the feeling of failing time and again.

Ultimately, there is no one or nothing that can stop you from achieving anything that you want. It takes a lot of courage to face the possibilities of disappointment but the probability of actually succeeding should exceed that.

We should not stop trying. We should always strive for victory. We shall have it. As I always tell myself, I will not be discouraged, I will be avenged.

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quit the bad habits

Why does it feel so easy to be cruel and restless all the time? It has always been a struggle to be someone that you will never be. Always a battle to become acceptable and an endless effort to achieve the serenity that gives an awful feeling of no-regrets. I have started on a real bad habit a couple of years ago and it’s just so difficult to do away with it. One after another that continues to doom my life into an eternal misfortune and wanting to be elsewhere. It seemed profound when I go back in time realizing I’ve crossed an impasse without realizing the consequences that would last a lifetime.

I often hear my thoughts asking what I have done and what I have done to deserve being here in a lump of disorder. How amazing that I cannot get myself to detach from these scenarios when I know very well where I’d end up. I wish I had the strength to step out of the comfort zone and take the risk. I wish there is a way to prepare myself to fail. I look at myself in the mirror and find a person who is disgusted with herself but couldn’t quite blame itself. I see the abyss of panic and hopelessness that envelopes the entire life that is lightly flickering behind it.

As I puff a smoke out of a stick of sin, I hoped the much bigger vice on which I live in would die down as I smash the burning hate emanating from the blackness of tar.