I am Bitter.
I have been racking by brain for four long years how my best friend and I drifted apart and why. I have so many questions and barely have any answer till now.
It’s hard enough to be away from friends but for them to just erase you out of their lives is worse. It haunts me. What went wrong? When did he decide it was over? Was it something I did? Or was it something he did? Will we ever be okay?
My best friend and I, we have a beautiful story; a fairy tale for soul mate friends. We met in the most peculiar fashion and got the chance to know each other deeper than I can try to explain. We filled each other’s life with such color and meaning that only we can understand.
In the hope of finding closure (for now) and to muster enough courage to let go, I want to understand. I need to comprehend the logic for him to break the bond we built and cared for. I want to know how he did it; to cut me off in a heartbeat.
For my own sanity I came up with a few things that might have been the reason.
A > I migrated. I left him. I guess that is on me. At that time, he has a family and I am in the process of building my own so it is a little difficult to understand that moving away should be taken as leaving a friend behind. But maybe it was because I never told him about it. I never told him that I am working on my immigration application for the past 7 years. He only found out about a couple months before I left. Yeah, that is my bad. I did not want to hurt him but I did by not telling him.
B > He had a really close friend in high school and he told me they drifted apart after graduation. His reason was because they don’t see each other anymore like they used to. He said it is difficult for him to maintain friendship with anyone who’s not physically present. This is even with the existence of technology. After I left, I tried to reconnect with him on social media and video chats but he never responded. I even resorted to calling other common friends just so I can talk to him. Epic fail. I guess out of sight out of mind indeed.
C > I found love. He said he was happy for us but I’m not his best friend for nothing; I can feel he is not a hundred percent truthful when he told me that. I used to hang out at his house on weekends, sleepover, hangover and breakfast. Things changed when I had a boyfriend. I work in the city so when I come home for the weekend, I had to choose whether I would spend it with my boyfriend or my best friend. I put all my effort into balancing time between them and I thought I was doing okay; apparently not.
D > I fell for his other best friend. I guess we all weren’t expecting it but it happened. I thought it will all be easier because we’re all friends. I wanted to protect him when I decided with my boyfriend that we are not to share anything with our best friend – that if we ever have a fight, we won’t tell him so he won’t have to choose sides. I thought I was doing him a favor. He misunderstood us.
E > They had a fight. Two of the most important men in my life had a misunderstanding about something so trivial I don’t even remember what it was now. I guess it was too hard for him to have to see his enemy just to see me.
Call me pathetic but I still have hope that we can fix this, whatever it is that we need to fix. I still and will always have a special place in my heart for him. He will always be my best friend even if he doesn’t want me anymore.
We lost connection once but we found our way back after so long. This gives me hope that maybe, one day; we’ll do this once more and find our way back.
Yes. I am Bitter.