synopsis of possibilities

I am Bitter.

I have been racking by brain for four long years how my best friend and I drifted apart and why. I have so many questions and barely have any answer till now.

It’s hard enough to be away from friends but for them to just erase you out of their lives is worse. It haunts me. What went wrong? When did he decide it was over? Was it something I did? Or was it something he did? Will we ever be okay?

My best friend and I, we have a beautiful story; a fairy tale for soul mate friends. We met in the most peculiar fashion and got the chance to know each other deeper than I can try to explain. We filled each other’s life with such color and meaning that only we can understand.

In the hope of finding closure (for now) and to muster enough courage to let go, I want to understand. I need to comprehend the logic for him to break the bond we built and cared for. I want to know how he did it; to cut me off in a heartbeat.

For my own sanity I came up with a few things that might have been the reason.

A > I migrated. I left him. I guess that is on me. At that time, he has a family and I am in the process of building my own so it is a little difficult to understand that moving away should be taken as leaving a friend behind. But maybe it was because I never told him about it. I never told him that I am working on my immigration application for the past 7 years. He only found out about a couple months before I left. Yeah, that is my bad. I did not want to hurt him but I did by not telling him.

B > He had a really close friend in high school and he told me they drifted apart after graduation. His reason was because they don’t see each other anymore like they used to. He said it is difficult for him to maintain friendship with anyone who’s not physically present. This is even with the existence of technology. After I left, I tried to reconnect with him on social media and video chats but he never responded. I even resorted to calling other common friends just so I can talk to him. Epic fail. I guess out of sight out of mind indeed.
C > I found love. He said he was happy for us but I’m not his best friend for nothing; I can feel he is not a hundred percent truthful when he told me that. I used to hang out at his house on weekends, sleepover, hangover and breakfast. Things changed when I had a boyfriend. I work in the city so when I come home for the weekend, I had to choose whether I would spend it with my boyfriend or my best friend. I put all my effort into balancing time between them and I thought I was doing okay; apparently not.

D > I fell for his other best friend. I guess we all weren’t expecting it but it happened. I thought it will all be easier because we’re all friends. I wanted to protect him when I decided with my boyfriend that we are not to share anything with our best friend – that if we ever have a fight, we won’t tell him so he won’t have to choose sides. I thought I was doing him a favor. He misunderstood us.

E > They had a fight. Two of the most important men in my life had a misunderstanding about something so trivial I don’t even remember what it was now. I guess it was too hard for him to have to see his enemy just to see me.

Call me pathetic but I still have hope that we can fix this, whatever it is that we need to fix. I still and will always have a special place in my heart for him. He will always be my best friend even if he doesn’t want me anymore.

We lost connection once but we found our way back after so long. This gives me hope that maybe, one day; we’ll do this once more and find our way back.

Yes. I am Bitter.
Best-Friends-necklace

photo credit:
http://www.thatsmags.com
http://www.nomadicmatt.com

naked truth

The life you lead in entirety

Hidden in thick cloak of variety

 

Frightened to show a tinge of emotion

Can’t be Exposed even to a portion

 

Hurt and anguish kept in concealment

Long after the result of torment

 

Bottle up all hatred and regret

Pretending one day, soon to forget

 

On the death bed it will be known

All is Exposed beyond the unknown

 

Stripped of both shame and valor

Lying quiet in eternal stupor

the best

This is a piece of me..

We met. We loved. We disagreed. You walked away. Bes.

**

I told you in one of our conversations that I’d rather be the one to leave than be left behind. I thought we’d survive the distance although you were clear that people out of your sight eventually become out of your mind. I thought I’d be different; we would be different.

I made all efforts to keep things as they were though we’re miles apart. Maybe I wasn’t ready to let you go. Maybe you let me go even before I left. We haven’t talked in a long while so I guess I’ll never know.

Those years that I was alone I felt the warmth of your love like a Blanket. You occupied my cold nights and I was happy. People did not understand what we have – only that we are special. We were special to each other.

When I look at your eyes, it strikes my heart with a giant pain that you don’t look at me the way you did. Things changed in a heartbeat. It pains me to realize that the boy I thought I knew is gone – for good.

I wish we could go back to that warm afternoon when I first heard your voice and I was enthralled. Those endless conversations with a stranger whom I felt so close to my heart that I cherish up to now. I wish we could go back to those starlit nights when we would stare at the sky together and dream elusive imaginings.

I tried so hard to write a comforting letter when I heard you lost a very important person. I wanted to take that chance to talk about us but I felt it was best not to. I set aside my loneliness and focused on yours. I offered the same love that I know you need the most.

I will forever wonder what happened in between. I will forever hope that we can still go back that path. I will forever think of you as the love I had. But we know forever is not real but I will.

If pain taught me one thing – it is to be tough in times of weakness. And though pain is not the best feeling in the world, I shall nurture it if that is what would keep you in me.

 

 

 

 

 

photo credit: http://freephotos.atguru.in

Organize your speech

What is it that is not real but is said as if it was? It usually is an act we do deliberately or because of the thought that it was the best option during the circumstance. I suppose each of you have had the experience to say something that is not the truth or be led to believe something that is not, ergo a lie.

So let me disambiguate what lies are. Lie is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive others. To lie is to state something with disregard to the truth with the intention that people will accept the statement as truth.

Tonight I’m going to present you some of the many things how lies affect those who say it and to whom they tell it to. A lie:

Begets another lie
Defers the agony
Ends up hurting people

picture1

A lie begets another lie. Lies are so powerful it can actually procreate on its own. Interesting hey? Consider this situation, you told your friend you’re going to a costume party she’s throwing when you know for sure that you can’t because you need to work during the weekend. That would be lie #1. Couple of days later she calls to chat and asked you what character you’re going to be at the party. Because you’re not ready to break the news that you can’t make it, you tell her you’re thinking about going as Sponge Bob. That’s your lie #2. Come the night of the costume party, your friend texts you where you’re at coz the party have started. You don’t want to tell her you’re at work because she has always hated it when you said that so you told her you’ve got the flu. That would be lie #3. And honestly, there could be more lies that you have to say whenever that costume party comes up in the future.

picture2

A lie defers the agony. The so called white lies normally do this. Imagine a person at work who loves to wear polka dotted blouse on a plaid skirt or pants. She would often complement you for your lovely curls or chick shoes and ask you what you think of her new polka dotted blouse she just bought. You simply say it looks good. Most probably other people at work would answer the same way to be polite and it would make that polka dot lover feel very good about herself. This would build up her self esteem but there will be one day, one person would have the guts to tell her that polka dots doesn’t work well with plaid. She would remember all the other complements she heard and realize that it’s all been a lie and she would feel more embarrassed.

picture3

Lastly, a lie ends up hurting people. Just think about the last 2 scenarios that we talked about. Telling a friend you are coming to her party when you really can’t will hurt her when she eventually finds out. She’d feel betrayed and let down. If your office mate found out you’ve lied to her when you told her that the polka-plaid combo looks nice on her, she’d feel embarrassed and deceived.

Given all these unpleasant fruits of lying, let me share with you the most common reason why people chose to do it in the first place. Common reasons say:

What you don’t know won’t hurt you
I’m just trying to protect you, it’s for your own good

And the most popular:

I don’t want to hurt you

First, what you don’t know won’t hurt you. Indeed, how can it right? But I say that sentence is not quite finished yet. It should’ve been what you don’t know won’t hurt you now. But once you find out, it’s going to hurt even more coupled with the heavy feeling of distrust, deceit and betrayal.

Second, I’m just trying to protect you. Those white lies intend to protect someone from humiliation or shame but in the long run, when the truth comes out, it’s going to hurt even more coupled with the heavy feeling of distrust, deceit and betrayal.

Lastly, I don’t want to hurt you. Yeah right. Again I say that this sentence is not quite done. It should actually say, I don’t want to hurt you now. But once the truth is found out, it’s going to hurt even more coupled with the heavy feeling of distrust, deceit and betrayal.

My theory of lying then is simple. For whatever reason it is that you opt to say something that is untrue, it will never be for a good cause – if not now, then later. With that, I will leave you something to ponder on.

Always tell the truth. If you can’t always tell the truth, don’t lie.

**
I wrote this speech I titled “My Theory of Lying” for my second competent communication speech for the Toastmasters. The focus of the speech project is to create a strong opening and closing as well as to use appropriate transitions from one idea to the next.

 

photo credits: google