a little

When I was little
I think about love just a little
I look at boys just a little
And nothing more than that

When I grew a little
I think about boys more not little
I look forward to falling in love more not little
I knew there’s more to that

I’m not yet grown up, just a little
I don’t think about boys but one, more than a little
And I think I know love more than when I was little
And I wish there’s more to that

solitary

I find myself in the dark staring at a corner where a shed of light seem to come through. I was never scared of the dark. I grew up understanding that everything isn’t supposed to be all pretty all the time. My solitude is mainly dark nights, alone with my thoughts either about the future – which I try so hard to figure out before it happens or the past – which I try so hard to replay and hope to change. I conclude these nights with a question – how did I ever get this dark? How did I ever become so entangled with things I can never control?

Ironically, no matter how tragic my thoughts appear, would anyone believe that I am not sad? I am merely walking down memory lane when I was with a friend and friends. The cherished memories of knowing that even in solitude I will never be alone. These memories are both happy and nostalgic. Maybe I have a twisted way of looking at things and a really crappy way of being moved by negativity but none of these matters. In the end, I find myself in the dark staring at a corner where a shed of light seem to come through.

contemplation

It’s amazing how music can drift you off to someplace where you can be alone with your thoughts amidst the blaring crowd that surrounds you.The loud music that fills your brain can actually create clarity within your crowded and corrupted mind. Quiet songs tend to bring your brain’s voice louder and more clear for your own ears to comprehend.

 

It’s strange how a silent person, sitting on a bus could be having a deadly battle inside his head about colliding ideas, all racing to win a debate. During the silent pauses of each changing melody, one is brought back to where he truly was. And on every song that ended, he noted a story that has ended.

 

It is an endless search for reason, for blame, for responsibility, for a resolution. It leaves a restless heart when none of these are found. But it is neither a guarantee of peace even if all of these things are unmasked and defined. Then what are all these for after all?

 

It is then decided – nothing is certain except for beginnings and endings. And it is an endless circle of collaborated events and things that keeps us moving, the world revolving and more changes. For all these then, there is no use to say goodbye – for everything is and will be temporary.

why I love wave 4

Since time immemorial, I have known and accepted the fact that I am a bad person. Bad in a way that I drive people away from me, stopping them before they even begin to know me in-depth; bad in a way that I am clearly perceived as mean, scheming, antagonistic, purely devilish person whom no one dares to mess with or even sit by in a bench. I have gotten used to sitting alone in a row of empty chairs just because I seem to scare people away. Bad in a way that I put up a concrete wall where I will be untouchable, invulnerable from pain and mockery. Absurdly, I found pleasure from that perception. It gave me dominance over the weak; it gave me authority to assert myself and made me in control of most situations.

Little did I know that I would come to know a bunch of guys who will see the almost-buried goodness that I have inside, some of which I did not even know existed. It made things easier for me to let go of my mask and reveal that part of me which I kept hidden all this time; for fear of being hurt, trampled on and intimidated. Now I realized it does feel good to get compliments sometimes, not just for a job well done but for being the best real person one could ever be. I do hope I was able to touch your lives the way you touched mine.

Viva WAVE 4!!

solid wave 4 batch 2011

too late

I waited for what seemed like an eternity for an absolution that almost felt like a bleak chance. I put up for all the mediocrity of every passing day, continued to live despite the melancholic series of events they called life. I let adversities go on till I became numb to its thorns. I contented myself with little laughter from trivial scenarios and considered it immensely humorous. I was convinced that soon I would drown in that void for the rest of time.

My deliverance came when I almost lost hope. It all happened a second before I finally let go of my last straw of optimism. It came to me when I least expected it and when I needed it the most. My gratitude is immeasurable. My joy has such depth that I lost my breath shouting out to express my deepest thanks.

Just as when my world begins to revolve and catch up on its pace, they happened. My savior from blackness became a despicable threat just like a dream that turned into the darkest nightmare. How could things turn up as such? Who would have thought? What now? Too many questions with unacceptable answers. Too many appalling certainties I cannot avoid. What awaits me? Where will it take me? What can I do?

synopsis of possibilities

I am Bitter.

I have been racking by brain for four long years how my best friend and I drifted apart and why. I have so many questions and barely have any answer till now.

It’s hard enough to be away from friends but for them to just erase you out of their lives is worse. It haunts me. What went wrong? When did he decide it was over? Was it something I did? Or was it something he did? Will we ever be okay?

My best friend and I, we have a beautiful story; a fairy tale for soul mate friends. We met in the most peculiar fashion and got the chance to know each other deeper than I can try to explain. We filled each other’s life with such color and meaning that only we can understand.

In the hope of finding closure (for now) and to muster enough courage to let go, I want to understand. I need to comprehend the logic for him to break the bond we built and cared for. I want to know how he did it; to cut me off in a heartbeat.

For my own sanity I came up with a few things that might have been the reason.

A > I migrated. I left him. I guess that is on me. At that time, he has a family and I am in the process of building my own so it is a little difficult to understand that moving away should be taken as leaving a friend behind. But maybe it was because I never told him about it. I never told him that I am working on my immigration application for the past 7 years. He only found out about a couple months before I left. Yeah, that is my bad. I did not want to hurt him but I did by not telling him.

B > He had a really close friend in high school and he told me they drifted apart after graduation. His reason was because they don’t see each other anymore like they used to. He said it is difficult for him to maintain friendship with anyone who’s not physically present. This is even with the existence of technology. After I left, I tried to reconnect with him on social media and video chats but he never responded. I even resorted to calling other common friends just so I can talk to him. Epic fail. I guess out of sight out of mind indeed.
C > I found love. He said he was happy for us but I’m not his best friend for nothing; I can feel he is not a hundred percent truthful when he told me that. I used to hang out at his house on weekends, sleepover, hangover and breakfast. Things changed when I had a boyfriend. I work in the city so when I come home for the weekend, I had to choose whether I would spend it with my boyfriend or my best friend. I put all my effort into balancing time between them and I thought I was doing okay; apparently not.

D > I fell for his other best friend. I guess we all weren’t expecting it but it happened. I thought it will all be easier because we’re all friends. I wanted to protect him when I decided with my boyfriend that we are not to share anything with our best friend – that if we ever have a fight, we won’t tell him so he won’t have to choose sides. I thought I was doing him a favor. He misunderstood us.

E > They had a fight. Two of the most important men in my life had a misunderstanding about something so trivial I don’t even remember what it was now. I guess it was too hard for him to have to see his enemy just to see me.

Call me pathetic but I still have hope that we can fix this, whatever it is that we need to fix. I still and will always have a special place in my heart for him. He will always be my best friend even if he doesn’t want me anymore.

We lost connection once but we found our way back after so long. This gives me hope that maybe, one day; we’ll do this once more and find our way back.

Yes. I am Bitter.
Best-Friends-necklace

photo credit:
http://www.thatsmags.com
http://www.nomadicmatt.com