when I was a kid

I have these strange thought about things when I was a kid and i’d like to know what’s yours. It just amazes me how children so young could come up with such crazy ideas and it’s so unique. Here’s mine and I’m really looking forward to hearing about yours.

thought # 1
I was so confused about this sign written on walls on the streets. It says “POST NO BILL”. It made me wonder why all those walls were as clean as the cloud. I asked my mom and I couldn’t get myself to agree with her. She told me it means that you can’t post anything on the walls. It totally meant the opposite to me. As I understand it then, it meant – you can post and you won’t have to pay for it.

thought # 2
I never realized there were traffic lights that tells you that you need to stop or that you can go. So I was thinking what could be wrong whenever the cars stopped on a red light. I figured there could be a car on the forefront who stopped and went to buy a cigar or something from a nearby convenience store so every car after it had to wait in line. It wasn’t a very convincing idea even to myself but I managed to believe in it for a while.

 

Photo credit: http://info.alleninteractions.com

 

Treasured mistake

This is a piece of me..

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a writer.

**

There seemed to be music all around. The sky is indeed bluer than it ever did for the past 25 years that I’ve seen it. The wind seemed to whisper sweet I love yous to my ears. The mornings are as wonderful as the heaven. I am in ecstasy!

He just celebrated his birthday a couple of days ago. As a gift to himself, he made plans to go out – by himself – originally. I don’t want to speculate anymore if he did plan all things – for us. Was he just being his conceited self? Am I just a reserve for the girl who he really wanted to come but couldn’t? I don’t’ want to think of anything negative or hurting anymore for tonight is ours – our night – my night. I met him for dinner. I promised to treat him for his birthday. I have longed for this moment alone with him. Just the two of us – kind of dating. It was really awkward I must admit. In the length of our friendship, this is the second time we’ve gone out just the two of us. We got so caught up with talking we didn’t realize we’re still going to a concert. On the cab on our way to the place, I tried my best to be as normal as a best friend could ever be. I was torn between what I wanted to do and what I am expected of. He made the moves that surprised me in a lot more ways than one. He’s been really sweet with me all these years and I have always enjoyed my status. I mean status of being the special best friend. Sometimes I’d like to think of us as more than friends but less than lovers. He held my hand and held me really close with his arms around my back and shoulders. He was very gentle.

The gig was so short. It was funny because it was all over when we got there and surprisingly he didn’t feel bad at all. It was his most favorite band after all. We decided to head to my place somewhere near. The cab ride was the shortest I’ve had. I wanted to lie on his shoulders all night long. But borrowed time is all we have. We bought a few drinks on our way.

I never thought of this happening – tonight. But I did thought of it over in my mind for so long. It’s because I was sure it was not going to happen. I used to tell myself I am the safest girl he’s ever been close to. And I’m sadly proud of it. Sad because it makes me feel unattractive to his eyes also. And there, the next thing I knew, our lips were locked and my tongue was exploring his mouth. His tongue was gently touching my wet lips. Exchanges of breaths and his smell lingered on my nose. I stopped him as he was going to touch me. It was my goody-two-shoes-self taking over. We kissed once more. And we knew we shouldn’t. There were funny moments afterwards. I guess we were both keeping it safe. I urged him to stay for the night. But he always tells me – he’s fine with little times we could spend around each other rather than it be the longest last. I longed for him as I see him off.

Was it real? Was he just under alcohol influence? He isn’t really a drinker. I could knock him down if I wanted to. Was he thinking of doing it? Was it spontaneous? Was he trying to be spontaneous because I told him if I’d do something I want it to be spontaneous? Will our friendship be the same? That I’d make sure.

I know it isn’t right. I lied and betrayed a lot of people – my family, my friends, his wife, his other girl and myself. I failed myself. I failed to prove that platonic friendship does exist. I do like him. But I couldn’t tell my best friend that. But I bet he knew. Confessions of a third party but there is safety in no confirmations. I made a mistake and I don’t want to feel guilty. I have this treasured mistake with me. It will be a treasure that only Carlo and I would share.

a little

When I was little
I think about love just a little
I look at boys just a little
And nothing more than that

When I grew a little
I think about boys more not little
I look forward to falling in love more not little
I knew there’s more to that

I’m not yet grown up, just a little
I don’t think about boys but one, more than a little
And I think I know love more than when I was little
And I wish there’s more to that

solitary

I find myself in the dark staring at a corner where a shed of light seem to come through. I was never scared of the dark. I grew up understanding that everything isn’t supposed to be all pretty all the time. My solitude is mainly dark nights, alone with my thoughts either about the future – which I try so hard to figure out before it happens or the past – which I try so hard to replay and hope to change. I conclude these nights with a question – how did I ever get this dark? How did I ever become so entangled with things I can never control?

Ironically, no matter how tragic my thoughts appear, would anyone believe that I am not sad? I am merely walking down memory lane when I was with a friend and friends. The cherished memories of knowing that even in solitude I will never be alone. These memories are both happy and nostalgic. Maybe I have a twisted way of looking at things and a really crappy way of being moved by negativity but none of these matters. In the end, I find myself in the dark staring at a corner where a shed of light seem to come through.

contemplation

It’s amazing how music can drift you off to someplace where you can be alone with your thoughts amidst the blaring crowd that surrounds you.The loud music that fills your brain can actually create clarity within your crowded and corrupted mind. Quiet songs tend to bring your brain’s voice louder and more clear for your own ears to comprehend.

 

It’s strange how a silent person, sitting on a bus could be having a deadly battle inside his head about colliding ideas, all racing to win a debate. During the silent pauses of each changing melody, one is brought back to where he truly was. And on every song that ended, he noted a story that has ended.

 

It is an endless search for reason, for blame, for responsibility, for a resolution. It leaves a restless heart when none of these are found. But it is neither a guarantee of peace even if all of these things are unmasked and defined. Then what are all these for after all?

 

It is then decided – nothing is certain except for beginnings and endings. And it is an endless circle of collaborated events and things that keeps us moving, the world revolving and more changes. For all these then, there is no use to say goodbye – for everything is and will be temporary.

why I love wave 4

Since time immemorial, I have known and accepted the fact that I am a bad person. Bad in a way that I drive people away from me, stopping them before they even begin to know me in-depth; bad in a way that I am clearly perceived as mean, scheming, antagonistic, purely devilish person whom no one dares to mess with or even sit by in a bench. I have gotten used to sitting alone in a row of empty chairs just because I seem to scare people away. Bad in a way that I put up a concrete wall where I will be untouchable, invulnerable from pain and mockery. Absurdly, I found pleasure from that perception. It gave me dominance over the weak; it gave me authority to assert myself and made me in control of most situations.

Little did I know that I would come to know a bunch of guys who will see the almost-buried goodness that I have inside, some of which I did not even know existed. It made things easier for me to let go of my mask and reveal that part of me which I kept hidden all this time; for fear of being hurt, trampled on and intimidated. Now I realized it does feel good to get compliments sometimes, not just for a job well done but for being the best real person one could ever be. I do hope I was able to touch your lives the way you touched mine.

Viva WAVE 4!!

solid wave 4 batch 2011

too late

I waited for what seemed like an eternity for an absolution that almost felt like a bleak chance. I put up for all the mediocrity of every passing day, continued to live despite the melancholic series of events they called life. I let adversities go on till I became numb to its thorns. I contented myself with little laughter from trivial scenarios and considered it immensely humorous. I was convinced that soon I would drown in that void for the rest of time.

My deliverance came when I almost lost hope. It all happened a second before I finally let go of my last straw of optimism. It came to me when I least expected it and when I needed it the most. My gratitude is immeasurable. My joy has such depth that I lost my breath shouting out to express my deepest thanks.

Just as when my world begins to revolve and catch up on its pace, they happened. My savior from blackness became a despicable threat just like a dream that turned into the darkest nightmare. How could things turn up as such? Who would have thought? What now? Too many questions with unacceptable answers. Too many appalling certainties I cannot avoid. What awaits me? Where will it take me? What can I do?