First time mom

This is a piece of me..

I received the greatest gift so far. My son.

**

I did not want to have kids as I was growing up. I wanted to have kids of my own but the thought of carrying them in my womb for 9 long months and having to physically bring them out into the world scares me the most.

When I said scared, I am not talking about the dangers and complexities of being pregnant. And you would think I am selfish and vain but I was more concerned about how to get rid of the belly that might not go away. Ever. At all.

During my third trimester is when my tummy started to grow significantly big and after gaining 15 kg, at that point, I told myself, I’m never going to get back on all my old clothes. And so I packed all of them and placed them in a box for donation as tears started to roll from my eyes.

Was that me being pregnant and hormonal? Or was that me being my vain, selfish self? I wouldn’t know for sure.

I am a planner. It pains me not to know what’s going to happen in the next 24 hours more so how it’s going to unfold. So I tried every possible way to mitigate this concern and booked pre-natal classes and hospital tours, watched videos and read anything baby related I can search Google for.

With all these so called preparations, I realized lots of people tell you a lot of things that you can expect about pregnancy and child birth but there’s also a fair amount of information they neglect to tell you. Ergo, there’s only so much you can do to prepare and things will happen as they should and you should not worry too much; easier said than done for sure.

I was in pain for a good couple months and though I loved my son the moment I had some spotting during my first trimester and realized I could lose him, I was frustrated with how sleep deprived I was and how so little time I have left for myself.

I love my son and I would go through everything over again for him. To all mom to be/s or new moms who is overwhelmed by all the changes in their lives, it is important to stand back, look at your precious little ones and appreciate their beauty.

More importantly, know that things will get back to normal soon enough. It may not be exactly how it used to be – your body, your lifestyle and sleep times but it will have some normalcy at some point.

The journey into becoming a mother is a lifetime trek – unpredictable, swift, rewarding and can be frustrating. It is a role that will last until your last day on earth. It does not begin when you give birth and it does not end when your child turns 18; not even 40.

You will be a mom for the remaining of your lifetime but your little ones will not be babies for the remaining of your lifetime. So enjoy them while they are tiny and fragile because they will not be that small again.

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Treasured mistake

This is a piece of me..

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a writer.

**

There seemed to be music all around. The sky is indeed bluer than it ever did for the past 25 years that I’ve seen it. The wind seemed to whisper sweet I love yous to my ears. The mornings are as wonderful as the heaven. I am in ecstasy!

He just celebrated his birthday a couple of days ago. As a gift to himself, he made plans to go out – by himself – originally. I don’t want to speculate anymore if he did plan all things – for us. Was he just being his conceited self? Am I just a reserve for the girl who he really wanted to come but couldn’t? I don’t’ want to think of anything negative or hurting anymore for tonight is ours – our night – my night. I met him for dinner. I promised to treat him for his birthday. I have longed for this moment alone with him. Just the two of us – kind of dating. It was really awkward I must admit. In the length of our friendship, this is the second time we’ve gone out just the two of us. We got so caught up with talking we didn’t realize we’re still going to a concert. On the cab on our way to the place, I tried my best to be as normal as a best friend could ever be. I was torn between what I wanted to do and what I am expected of. He made the moves that surprised me in a lot more ways than one. He’s been really sweet with me all these years and I have always enjoyed my status. I mean status of being the special best friend. Sometimes I’d like to think of us as more than friends but less than lovers. He held my hand and held me really close with his arms around my back and shoulders. He was very gentle.

The gig was so short. It was funny because it was all over when we got there and surprisingly he didn’t feel bad at all. It was his most favorite band after all. We decided to head to my place somewhere near. The cab ride was the shortest I’ve had. I wanted to lie on his shoulders all night long. But borrowed time is all we have. We bought a few drinks on our way.

I never thought of this happening – tonight. But I did thought of it over in my mind for so long. It’s because I was sure it was not going to happen. I used to tell myself I am the safest girl he’s ever been close to. And I’m sadly proud of it. Sad because it makes me feel unattractive to his eyes also. And there, the next thing I knew, our lips were locked and my tongue was exploring his mouth. His tongue was gently touching my wet lips. Exchanges of breaths and his smell lingered on my nose. I stopped him as he was going to touch me. It was my goody-two-shoes-self taking over. We kissed once more. And we knew we shouldn’t. There were funny moments afterwards. I guess we were both keeping it safe. I urged him to stay for the night. But he always tells me – he’s fine with little times we could spend around each other rather than it be the longest last. I longed for him as I see him off.

Was it real? Was he just under alcohol influence? He isn’t really a drinker. I could knock him down if I wanted to. Was he thinking of doing it? Was it spontaneous? Was he trying to be spontaneous because I told him if I’d do something I want it to be spontaneous? Will our friendship be the same? That I’d make sure.

I know it isn’t right. I lied and betrayed a lot of people – my family, my friends, his wife, his other girl and myself. I failed myself. I failed to prove that platonic friendship does exist. I do like him. But I couldn’t tell my best friend that. But I bet he knew. Confessions of a third party but there is safety in no confirmations. I made a mistake and I don’t want to feel guilty. I have this treasured mistake with me. It will be a treasure that only Carlo and I would share.

the best

This is a piece of me..

We met. We loved. We disagreed. You walked away. Bes.

**

I told you in one of our conversations that I’d rather be the one to leave than be left behind. I thought we’d survive the distance although you were clear that people out of your sight eventually become out of your mind. I thought I’d be different; we would be different.

I made all efforts to keep things as they were though we’re miles apart. Maybe I wasn’t ready to let you go. Maybe you let me go even before I left. We haven’t talked in a long while so I guess I’ll never know.

Those years that I was alone I felt the warmth of your love like a Blanket. You occupied my cold nights and I was happy. People did not understand what we have – only that we are special. We were special to each other.

When I look at your eyes, it strikes my heart with a giant pain that you don’t look at me the way you did. Things changed in a heartbeat. It pains me to realize that the boy I thought I knew is gone – for good.

I wish we could go back to that warm afternoon when I first heard your voice and I was enthralled. Those endless conversations with a stranger whom I felt so close to my heart that I cherish up to now. I wish we could go back to those starlit nights when we would stare at the sky together and dream elusive imaginings.

I tried so hard to write a comforting letter when I heard you lost a very important person. I wanted to take that chance to talk about us but I felt it was best not to. I set aside my loneliness and focused on yours. I offered the same love that I know you need the most.

I will forever wonder what happened in between. I will forever hope that we can still go back that path. I will forever think of you as the love I had. But we know forever is not real but I will.

If pain taught me one thing – it is to be tough in times of weakness. And though pain is not the best feeling in the world, I shall nurture it if that is what would keep you in me.

 

 

 

 

 

photo credit: http://freephotos.atguru.in

To Chad

This is a piece of me..

I lost a friend couple of years back. I miss you Chad.

**

It felt almost the same as graduating from high school when Wave 4 finally was launched on the floor. I would often find time during shift to be alone with my thoughts reminding myself that there’s no reason to be sad when friends go apart. It took some time for us to get a chance to know each other and realize that we are so alike in a lot of ways than we thought. And when we did, we just became real good friends as if we were from a long time ago. If this is a love story, I’d call us – soul mates. I remember when I told you this, you pushed me so hard for we both thought it was so cheesy and silly and then we laughed about it so hard.

 

I never had to think about what I can or cannot say when I’m with you because my heart knew that you are there not to judge or make things okay but to listen and just be there. At times I don’t even have to say or do anything, you just know. We know when we need to talk and when we just need to be beside each other. I remember one random time over smoke when we talked about friendship. You know how melodramatic I can be about almost everything and how I’ve always shielded myself from pain and disappointment of anything that could be hurtful to the extent that I distanced myself to a lot of things, people and opportunity. You made me realize a lot of things with the short and meaningful words that you said. You always claim that you are not good with words and ironically I always claim that I am but I guess, we both are and are not.

 

You made me cry so hard at Kwagos before I left you and the Team’s feisty, crazy ideas. But those were the memories that I carried with me and made me wake up each day looking forward to going back and hanging out with all of you. I tried so hard to keep myself together up until I went to visit you at the hospital. I wanted to come to you immediately when I found out but I just don’t want to see you in any pain because we both know I won’t be able to handle that. I felt so bad as a friend because I couldn’t give you the strength that you needed when you needed it the most because I broke down in tears when we finally saw each other. I wanted so much to hug you tighter and longer but you were so fragile I was afraid I’d break you. We were just staring at each other as I tried to make sense of what your mom was saying about how you are doing. We just sat, said the things we wanted to say with our eyes and you winked at me so many times trying to tell me that it’s going to be okay while I tried to hold back the tears.

 

I would be selfish to say that I wished you were there at my wedding, to say that I wish we had more time before you left, to say that I wish you didn’t go, to say that I wish you could’ve waited for me to call and say goodbye. I know you’d understand and that you’d allow me to be a little selfish for a while. I know you fought hard and I’m proud of you. I wish I could be there to bring you to your resting place but I guess I don’t have to because my heart is where you’ll be forever treasured. I don’t want to say goodbye but I can’t say see you later either.  I don’t want to cry no more but I can’t smile either. Gone too soon Chad; too soon. I miss you already.