Update Required!

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you it’s been a busy week altogether and I bet you had a busy one too.

**

I recently got back to work and I’ve been dealing with coping up to so many changes. I was away for about a year and it was naive and a bit stupid for me to think that I’d be going back to the same things.

For the most part, yes, I still hold the same position and I’m still part of the same department. I still sit on the same boring, neatly arranged table and my old files for storage still sit under my desk.

A week after coming back, management decided to move me to a new team and gave me a new account that is totally different than what I’ve been doing which happened right after the refresher meeting I had with my old senior. Hah!

**

I got married in 2015 but a part of me didn’t want to let go of my family name. For one, I don’t particularly like my husband’s last name. I felt it didn’t fit me yet. That has nothing to do with love at all, purely aesthetic.

Now, I’ve decided to change my name to take my husband’s last name. Whew! This is it! It’s funny though because when I went to have my driver’s license updated, the agent asked me to sign electronically to complete my application and it hit me! I haven’t really thought about that yet.

Overall, I’ve got the important ones done but I still got a long list – banks, phone company, membership organizations, insurances, etc.

-> Change is the only thing constant in the world and we need to take it, embrace it and live with it. I remind myself that I need to look at the good sides of change for growth to be more effective and fruitful. We love the old but it’s time for the new!

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First time mom

This is a piece of me..

I received the greatest gift so far. My son.

**

I did not want to have kids as I was growing up. I wanted to have kids of my own but the thought of carrying them in my womb for 9 long months and having to physically bring them out into the world scares me the most.

When I said scared, I am not talking about the dangers and complexities of being pregnant. And you would think I am selfish and vain but I was more concerned about how to get rid of the belly that might not go away. Ever. At all.

During my third trimester is when my tummy started to grow significantly big and after gaining 15 kg, at that point, I told myself, I’m never going to get back on all my old clothes. And so I packed all of them and placed them in a box for donation as tears started to roll from my eyes.

Was that me being pregnant and hormonal? Or was that me being my vain, selfish self? I wouldn’t know for sure.

I am a planner. It pains me not to know what’s going to happen in the next 24 hours more so how it’s going to unfold. So I tried every possible way to mitigate this concern and booked pre-natal classes and hospital tours, watched videos and read anything baby related I can search Google for.

With all these so called preparations, I realized lots of people tell you a lot of things that you can expect about pregnancy and child birth but there’s also a fair amount of information they neglect to tell you. Ergo, there’s only so much you can do to prepare and things will happen as they should and you should not worry too much; easier said than done for sure.

I was in pain for a good couple months and though I loved my son the moment I had some spotting during my first trimester and realized I could lose him, I was frustrated with how sleep deprived I was and how so little time I have left for myself.

I love my son and I would go through everything over again for him. To all mom to be/s or new moms who is overwhelmed by all the changes in their lives, it is important to stand back, look at your precious little ones and appreciate their beauty.

More importantly, know that things will get back to normal soon enough. It may not be exactly how it used to be – your body, your lifestyle and sleep times but it will have some normalcy at some point.

The journey into becoming a mother is a lifetime trek – unpredictable, swift, rewarding and can be frustrating. It is a role that will last until your last day on earth. It does not begin when you give birth and it does not end when your child turns 18; not even 40.

You will be a mom for the remaining of your lifetime but your little ones will not be babies for the remaining of your lifetime. So enjoy them while they are tiny and fragile because they will not be that small again.

quit the bad habits

Why does it feel so easy to be cruel and restless all the time? It has always been a struggle to be someone that you will never be. Always a battle to become acceptable and an endless effort to achieve the serenity that gives an awful feeling of no-regrets. I have started on a real bad habit a couple of years ago and it’s just so difficult to do away with it. One after another that continues to doom my life into an eternal misfortune and wanting to be elsewhere. It seemed profound when I go back in time realizing I’ve crossed an impasse without realizing the consequences that would last a lifetime.

I often hear my thoughts asking what I have done and what I have done to deserve being here in a lump of disorder. How amazing that I cannot get myself to detach from these scenarios when I know very well where I’d end up. I wish I had the strength to step out of the comfort zone and take the risk. I wish there is a way to prepare myself to fail. I look at myself in the mirror and find a person who is disgusted with herself but couldn’t quite blame itself. I see the abyss of panic and hopelessness that envelopes the entire life that is lightly flickering behind it.

As I puff a smoke out of a stick of sin, I hoped the much bigger vice on which I live in would die down as I smash the burning hate emanating from the blackness of tar.

shall be anger

Anyone may think that we know ourselves better than anyone or anything. Logical, yes but not absolutely true. Even our very own self is in discovery of who we really are each and every day. Our personalities are so dynamic that we can’t put it in a box and define it in full, actual detail. There’s always a catch. It’s like a genie’s wish – tricky and almost always not the way you think it’s going to end up.

I took this random quiz on facebook the other day. It’s supposed to find out and tell you what 7 deadly sin are you. I kind of knew what I would turn out to be but I took the quiz anyway. I was actually surprised it was pride! I mean really surprised. I honestly, truly believe that it can’t be pride. On all arguments with my brother, which was not petty, I am the one calming down first and making the first move to reconcile. I apologize and that’s never a problem for me. I strongly believe I am humble enough on other aspects. This really sounds like I’m putting myself on a pedestal but I’m not. I’m just trying to convince myself that there’s some truth on the quiz or none.

I was really vouching for anger to come out. I would have no questions at all if it did. I am definitely easily angered. And I do stupid things because I am angry. It’s just pretty obvious that’s all. I don’t know whatever happened to the quiz. Is this an eye opener for me? Now that’s making me think. And I got my answer like, in a matter of days.

We had this argument which was really petty and unimaginably irrelevant. But it turned out to be a big fight. And I was analyzing everything as it happens and I found out it was more of my fault. I couldn’t brush that off but definitely he has his fair share contribution on how things turned out to be a mess. I couldn’t get myself to apologize or anything to that effect. Then I remembered the quiz and I just realized, it was happening right now.

I turned things around. I told myself It’s not going to be pride. It shall be anger.

I myself didn’t know myself. I had to rationalize and choose how’s it’s going to be. Our personality is so dynamic and there’s much more to it than we may ever know. It was a choice and a discovery.

I wait

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that the coming weeks would be all about waiting for me. Patience they say is a virtue and to be honest, when God showered patience all over the world, I was probably sleeping as I did not get much.

**

Pass Or Fail Keys To Show Exam Or Test Results
It has been a week now since I took the common final exam for my degree and it was grueling to say the least. I did not have much confidence as the days come closer to the exam but I had to do it and try as best I can to pass. There are at least 3,000 examinees across the country and because we had to write cases instead of an objective type of test, it’ll take about a couple of months to find out the results.

So for the coming weeks, I will be waiting. Waiting and hoping that my best was enough to get me that letter that tells me I made it. Until then, my mornings would just be a countdown and my nights would still be sleepless.

**

93
I haven’t spent Christmas home for the past 4 years and indeed it felt like forever. It’s not just because I live in a different country now but because my whole clan, my band of friends, my pets and all the people who make Christmas the best season of all is miles and miles away from me.

This year I have a chance to spend it the way I used to – with the people dear to me, with the tradition I grew up with, with the scent of holidays in the morning and at a place that I will forever call home. It will be about 5 years before I get this chance again so you can imagine my excitement and anticipation.

For the next couple of months, I will be waiting. Waiting and looking forward to the day I fly back home. Until then, my mornings would just be countdowns and my nights would be filled with dreams of home.

**
Each of our days is a wait time – for something we want to happen or something we hope does not happen. Either way, all we can do is sit tight, enjoy the moments in between and celebrate as we come closer to most awaited day.

 

photo credit:
https://adayinthelifeofjoanna.com
http://www.myignou.in
http://mynosebleed.com

TGIF – the end

It’s been a great week.. thank God it’s Friday!

I know for sure that you are one with the rest of us who are happy it’s Friday. Another week has ended and we can set aside the worries of work and enjoy the calmness of home surrounded by family. We get to shut down our work mode and just be.. sluggish.

Beyond that, Friday reminds us that everything shall come to an end. That to every Monday is a Friday. To every start is an end. More importantly, not all endings are to be construed as sad. Not all that ends should be heartbreaking.

I just finished a book today and the characters have grown on me. It took me a while longer to finish this one not because it was a bad one but because of all the other things that happens in any one’s life – work, husband, children, chores, etc.

During those times that I was reading, it almost felt like I was part of the story. I was part of a different world. As the book was coming to an end, I had wanted not to end it but I also wanted to know how it will conclude its plot. I almost didn’t want to finish it because a part of me will miss the characters. But things that begin have an end.

The end of a book marks a beginning to a new one. The last part of the movie can be the prologue to a sequel. The fading words to a song means you can play another one. The close of the mall says you can come back tomorrow. The end of a week signifies a start to a brand new week to explore.

So let us not see the end as a period to a sentence. Let us not see the finish as the conclusion of the story. Because we all get a fresh start as the week begins on Monday.

photo credit:
http://www.funkyfaithgirl.com

 

forgiveness is more than saying sorry

After some time, after giving and yielding, it’s natural for anybody to get tired. I thought it won’t happen to me. Besides I’m doing all these for special people whom I really love and totally important to me. Yet again it seemed I too would sink in with all the rest and most probably rest at the bottom of the pit to the point of no return. And honestly, I’m growing so tired of these. Same old episodes and scenarios that ends the same way. It’s such a drag. An emotional luggage that keeps on piling up; there’s no more room for another batch.

I am surrounded by people who are incapable of expressing themselves. And that always happens when I wanted them so much to show me how they feel. I am around people who seemed to have sky-high pride that they couldn’t even deliver a decent apology. A simple, heart-felt, short but meaningful expression of sorry. It won’t help nor bring back what was lost or taken thru any sincere apology. But it could definitely help heal and calm a wounded and seemingly irreparable damage to emotion. Sometimes I wonder which is more difficult – be the one who owes someone an apology or be the one who has to forgive. Both are not easy I know. I just feel like, lately, I have been on the active side. It’s getting harder that I have to apologize for something I don’t think I should just to clean a slate. I am done rationalizing and taking the blame all the time. When is this gonna stop?

I watched this local film last night and it just gave me a different perspective of how things are. It came to me that you can’t help but demand for something more all the time. I have to accept and receive whatever is given to me and take it as the best others could offer. We all try to be the best and do our utmost capability. Believing in love and how it mysteriously move is difficult but it can get you through anything and who knows, through everything too.

Right now, I am in shambles. I know that when the opportunity presents itself to me again I will run this thought through my mind again and go through all the hurt. Surely it won’t be easy. Knowing this too shall pass is hope. I am different and so are they. What I do is what I am and I will manage to learn how to give them the benefit that they too are doing what they believe is the best. After all, love binds us.