quit the bad habits

Why does it feel so easy to be cruel and restless all the time? It has always been a struggle to be someone that you will never be. Always a battle to become acceptable and an endless effort to achieve the serenity that gives an awful feeling of no-regrets. I have started on a real bad habit a couple of years ago and it’s just so difficult to do away with it. One after another that continues to doom my life into an eternal misfortune and wanting to be elsewhere. It seemed profound when I go back in time realizing I’ve crossed an impasse without realizing the consequences that would last a lifetime.

I often hear my thoughts asking what I have done and what I have done to deserve being here in a lump of disorder. How amazing that I cannot get myself to detach from these scenarios when I know very well where I’d end up. I wish I had the strength to step out of the comfort zone and take the risk. I wish there is a way to prepare myself to fail. I look at myself in the mirror and find a person who is disgusted with herself but couldn’t quite blame itself. I see the abyss of panic and hopelessness that envelopes the entire life that is lightly flickering behind it.

As I puff a smoke out of a stick of sin, I hoped the much bigger vice on which I live in would die down as I smash the burning hate emanating from the blackness of tar.

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shall be anger

Anyone may think that we know ourselves better than anyone or anything. Logical, yes but not absolutely true. Even our very own self is in discovery of who we really are each and every day. Our personalities are so dynamic that we can’t put it in a box and define it in full, actual detail. There’s always a catch. It’s like a genie’s wish – tricky and almost always not the way you think it’s going to end up.

I took this random quiz on facebook the other day. It’s supposed to find out and tell you what 7 deadly sin are you. I kind of knew what I would turn out to be but I took the quiz anyway. I was actually surprised it was pride! I mean really surprised. I honestly, truly believe that it can’t be pride. On all arguments with my brother, which was not petty, I am the one calming down first and making the first move to reconcile. I apologize and that’s never a problem for me. I strongly believe I am humble enough on other aspects. This really sounds like I’m putting myself on a pedestal but I’m not. I’m just trying to convince myself that there’s some truth on the quiz or none.

I was really vouching for anger to come out. I would have no questions at all if it did. I am definitely easily angered. And I do stupid things because I am angry. It’s just pretty obvious that’s all. I don’t know whatever happened to the quiz. Is this an eye opener for me? Now that’s making me think. And I got my answer like, in a matter of days.

We had this argument which was really petty and unimaginably irrelevant. But it turned out to be a big fight. And I was analyzing everything as it happens and I found out it was more of my fault. I couldn’t brush that off but definitely he has his fair share contribution on how things turned out to be a mess. I couldn’t get myself to apologize or anything to that effect. Then I remembered the quiz and I just realized, it was happening right now.

I turned things around. I told myself It’s not going to be pride. It shall be anger.

I myself didn’t know myself. I had to rationalize and choose how’s it’s going to be. Our personality is so dynamic and there’s much more to it than we may ever know. It was a choice and a discovery.

I wait

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that the coming weeks would be all about waiting for me. Patience they say is a virtue and to be honest, when God showered patience all over the world, I was probably sleeping as I did not get much.

**

Pass Or Fail Keys To Show Exam Or Test Results
It has been a week now since I took the common final exam for my degree and it was grueling to say the least. I did not have much confidence as the days come closer to the exam but I had to do it and try as best I can to pass. There are at least 3,000 examinees across the country and because we had to write cases instead of an objective type of test, it’ll take about a couple of months to find out the results.

So for the coming weeks, I will be waiting. Waiting and hoping that my best was enough to get me that letter that tells me I made it. Until then, my mornings would just be a countdown and my nights would still be sleepless.

**

93
I haven’t spent Christmas home for the past 4 years and indeed it felt like forever. It’s not just because I live in a different country now but because my whole clan, my band of friends, my pets and all the people who make Christmas the best season of all is miles and miles away from me.

This year I have a chance to spend it the way I used to – with the people dear to me, with the tradition I grew up with, with the scent of holidays in the morning and at a place that I will forever call home. It will be about 5 years before I get this chance again so you can imagine my excitement and anticipation.

For the next couple of months, I will be waiting. Waiting and looking forward to the day I fly back home. Until then, my mornings would just be countdowns and my nights would be filled with dreams of home.

**
Each of our days is a wait time – for something we want to happen or something we hope does not happen. Either way, all we can do is sit tight, enjoy the moments in between and celebrate as we come closer to most awaited day.

 

photo credit:
https://adayinthelifeofjoanna.com
http://www.myignou.in
http://mynosebleed.com

TGIF – the end

It’s been a great week.. thank God it’s Friday!

I know for sure that you are one with the rest of us who are happy it’s Friday. Another week has ended and we can set aside the worries of work and enjoy the calmness of home surrounded by family. We get to shut down our work mode and just be.. sluggish.

Beyond that, Friday reminds us that everything shall come to an end. That to every Monday is a Friday. To every start is an end. More importantly, not all endings are to be construed as sad. Not all that ends should be heartbreaking.

I just finished a book today and the characters have grown on me. It took me a while longer to finish this one not because it was a bad one but because of all the other things that happens in any one’s life – work, husband, children, chores, etc.

During those times that I was reading, it almost felt like I was part of the story. I was part of a different world. As the book was coming to an end, I had wanted not to end it but I also wanted to know how it will conclude its plot. I almost didn’t want to finish it because a part of me will miss the characters. But things that begin have an end.

The end of a book marks a beginning to a new one. The last part of the movie can be the prologue to a sequel. The fading words to a song means you can play another one. The close of the mall says you can come back tomorrow. The end of a week signifies a start to a brand new week to explore.

So let us not see the end as a period to a sentence. Let us not see the finish as the conclusion of the story. Because we all get a fresh start as the week begins on Monday.

photo credit:
http://www.funkyfaithgirl.com

 

forgiveness is more than saying sorry

After some time, after giving and yielding, it’s natural for anybody to get tired. I thought it won’t happen to me. Besides I’m doing all these for special people whom I really love and totally important to me. Yet again it seemed I too would sink in with all the rest and most probably rest at the bottom of the pit to the point of no return. And honestly, I’m growing so tired of these. Same old episodes and scenarios that ends the same way. It’s such a drag. An emotional luggage that keeps on piling up; there’s no more room for another batch.

I am surrounded by people who are incapable of expressing themselves. And that always happens when I wanted them so much to show me how they feel. I am around people who seemed to have sky-high pride that they couldn’t even deliver a decent apology. A simple, heart-felt, short but meaningful expression of sorry. It won’t help nor bring back what was lost or taken thru any sincere apology. But it could definitely help heal and calm a wounded and seemingly irreparable damage to emotion. Sometimes I wonder which is more difficult – be the one who owes someone an apology or be the one who has to forgive. Both are not easy I know. I just feel like, lately, I have been on the active side. It’s getting harder that I have to apologize for something I don’t think I should just to clean a slate. I am done rationalizing and taking the blame all the time. When is this gonna stop?

I watched this local film last night and it just gave me a different perspective of how things are. It came to me that you can’t help but demand for something more all the time. I have to accept and receive whatever is given to me and take it as the best others could offer. We all try to be the best and do our utmost capability. Believing in love and how it mysteriously move is difficult but it can get you through anything and who knows, through everything too.

Right now, I am in shambles. I know that when the opportunity presents itself to me again I will run this thought through my mind again and go through all the hurt. Surely it won’t be easy. Knowing this too shall pass is hope. I am different and so are they. What I do is what I am and I will manage to learn how to give them the benefit that they too are doing what they believe is the best. After all, love binds us.

here in my room

I like times like this sometimes. A little alone time to  think things through. Just me and my thoughts and no other voices lingering. I can choose to connect and disconnect with the real world. I find peace today; for tomorrow will be a blinding-light-in-the-midst-of-the-dark.

If man can live alone his entire existence it would be peaceful. You have no one to argue with. No one to make you feel sorry about yourself. No one to compete with. No one to feel jealous about. No one will take what you have. No expectations. No one to love you, therefore no one to cause you pain and disappointment. It would have been a quiet world.

Yet, there would be no purpose. No inspiration. No reason to move or live. No melody nor harmony. There would be no achievements. No direction. The world would then be nothing.

Then I go back and tell myself that after this alone time, I need to go back to the cruel world. The world I so hate and so love all at the same time. The world I want to leave but want to live in. My enemy and companion. THE everything.

sigh..

 

photo credit:

https://favim.com

 

when I was a kid

I have these strange thought about things when I was a kid and i’d like to know what’s yours. It just amazes me how children so young could come up with such crazy ideas and it’s so unique. Here’s mine and I’m really looking forward to hearing about yours.

thought # 1
I was so confused about this sign written on walls on the streets. It says “POST NO BILL”. It made me wonder why all those walls were as clean as the cloud. I asked my mom and I couldn’t get myself to agree with her. She told me it means that you can’t post anything on the walls. It totally meant the opposite to me. As I understand it then, it meant – you can post and you won’t have to pay for it.

thought # 2
I never realized there were traffic lights that tells you that you need to stop or that you can go. So I was thinking what could be wrong whenever the cars stopped on a red light. I figured there could be a car on the forefront who stopped and went to buy a cigar or something from a nearby convenience store so every car after it had to wait in line. It wasn’t a very convincing idea even to myself but I managed to believe in it for a while.

 

Photo credit: http://info.alleninteractions.com